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Бесплатная смехопанорама:)))
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| MissBovari | Дата: Четверг, 28.04.2011, 00:37 | Сообщение # 1 |
Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
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Обзор Gossip Girl S04E01
Серия первая, сезон о-хо-хо четвертый, место действия – город Париж.
Париж! Вечный город! Ворота на Восток. “Сплетница” просто влюблена в Париж, и не случайно Блэр и Серена отправились туда, ведь всем известно, что Нью-Йорк летом превращается в Ад на Земле. Прекрасное решение, девчонки! Потому что все, кто остался, померли от холеры. Из Нью-Йорка пишут призраки. Погода в городе Парижу усегда прелестна, подходит для романтических и магазинных отрывов. Серена, сверкая своими ножищами по всей Пляс Пигаль, стремительно надвигалась на камеру то с севера, то с юга, кусочек табака от сигарет без фильтра застрял между идеально ненатуральными зубами, в руках бутылка без этикетки. Блэр старалась занять себя шопингом, чтобы не думать о Чакки-Бросай-Нунчаки, с которым она порвала в 73-й раз за три сезона.
Ошибшись дверью и зайдя в музей вместо очередного магазина, она встречает прекрасного принца по фамилии Гарибальди. К такой фамилии непременно прилагаются темные волосы и противные тонкие усики над тощей верхней губой. На нем был плащ с красной подкладкой и высокий цилиндр. Он тут же пригласил ее в Ночную Оперу. Все в городе, где оккультизм никогда не выходит из моды, жаждали туда попасть. Но туда пускали только по карточке профсоюза выходцев из Восточной Европы. Которая как раз была у принца, нестареющего бог знает сколько веков. Блэр вне себя от нетерпения.
Представьте ее возмущение, когда за ней и Сереной подкатила двуколка, на козлах которой сидел вовсе не специально обученный кэбман, а сам принц, который, несмотря на фамилию, тихонько превратившуюся в Гарибальдян, оказался вовсе и не принцем. Принц сидел внутри двухместного экипажа (и для экономии на его роль наняли немого актера с внешностью второго плана, поэтому он молчит и в кадре никогда не стоит в центре) и компанию ему составила Серена. Блэр же пришлось портить прическу, кожу лица и нервы высоко на козлах рядом с недо-принцем.
Но до середины ужина Блэр еще как-то держалась. Серена, уж в который раз, не напрягаясь, заграбастала принца и доела десерт из ее тарелки, стоило только Блэр отойти в сортир, но окончательно вывело ее не это. Серена поступила в тот же колледж, что и она. А как известно, в одном колледже может учиться только одна девушка. Иначе мир рухнет. Так устроена жизнь, и Блэр просто обязана была позаботится о привычном порядке вещей. Заманив Серену к фонтану, она аккуратно топит ее, придавив ей голову особенно тяжелой сумкой от Шанель из коллекции «Кирпич».
Поправив прическу и вернувшись в ресторацию, она заявляет принцу второго плана, что теперь они наедине. Гаримальдич косится на них насупленно. Но не прошло и пяти минут, как Серена входит в двери, изрядно мокрая, с дестройд прической и остатками наряда, но вполне живая. И говорит, что принц встал, отжался и пошел ее провожать до дому, что принц и выполняет неукоснительно. Гарибальдян же неожиданно срывает с себя одежды простого шофера, под ними оказывается мантия, подбитая горностаем. Из кармана брюк он достает складную корону, прилаживает ее на свои маслянисто-черные волоса, вскакивает на коня и окинув Блэр презрительным взглядом, уносится в Восточные Европы. Оказалось принц – он. Во втором сезоне ее уже развел один лорд, и мне казалось, что Блэр выучила эту нехитрую комбинацию Принц-Нищий. Хотя думаю, что пойти по порочному кругу ее заставили ленивые сценаристы.
А в это время в Нью-Йорксбурге творятся страшные дела. Помните, как весь прошлый сезон нас тошнило, как мы беспомощно обнимали холодный неласковый белый унитаз, сколько литров марганцовки, разведенной в тепленькой кипяченой воде нас заставила выпить мама, подозревая пищевое отравление? А все потому, что мы видели (неоднократно) как Дэн занимается сексом. Теперь же вскрылась ужасная правда. Джорджина и слегка заслоняющий ее огромный живот явились к Дэну в конце прошлого сезона и сказали: “Хелоу, дадди!” То есть, что же это получается, то есть, это было на самом деле? Не было никаких телесного цвета трусов и топорной актерской игры? Ребеночек вот он, зовут ровно как собачку из “Маски” – Майло! Так Дэн действительно побывал в ее джордж-гине. Дэн, наши желудки пусты. Прекрати это. Умоляем!
Но, с другой стороны, Жоржа врет, как пишет, спроси ее про погоду, она тебе теорему Ферма расскажет. Может, все-таки были спермонепроницаемые трусы, а дите прижито от русскоговорящих бед гайз (как побочный эффект - мамаша даже заговорила на давно забытом русском)? Мы ждем и волнуемся, ждем и трепещем, когда же развязка, не правда ли?
Где-то еще в серии Нейт чем-то занят. По большей части, он хихикает и шуршит своими нижними юбками, обмахивается веером и хлопает в ладоши. Но между всеми этими важными делами он встречает прелестную девушку. А главное, новую. Девушка, кстати это Кейт Кессиди, немного поломавшись, соглашается на чашку кофе и подавать носовые платки Плаксе-Нейту, но пока она собирается на эту миссию, мы можем лицезреть в ее квартире somewhat like Gossip Girl Wall, где вывешены все фотографии всего кастового состава и схематично изображены половые связи между ними. Вот что! Мы хотим такую же доску – мы уже давно путаемся в этих связях, тем более что тех, кто еще не спал друг с другом, осталось как негритят на острове на 9-й день.
Теперь вопрос – что же она задумала? Первая очевидная идея – она пишет статью в Комсомольскую правду о том, что они все адски тупые. О, это будет разоблачение века. Вторая версия – она бросит в них бомбу, когда они неосторожно соберутся в одном помещении, в таком случае мы ее можем только поддержать. Кейт, мы с тобой!
А, еще мы видели Чака. Он жив, хотя изменился внутренне, внешне (явно сменил портного на прет-а-порте и ходит с палочкой), сменил имя на Генри Принц (сработало подсознание – Блэр всегда хотела замуж именно за принца). Снял он и колечко, на котором была написана его фамилия жаст ин кейс его пьяное тело доносили до гостиничных номеров. Только в одном он лоханулся, он тоже прибыл в Париж, и теперь встречи с Блэр ему не избежать. Не знаем, виновато ли в этом, что Чак и Блэр, Блэр и Чак – два мощных магнита, притягивающихся не к другим металлам, а только друг к другу, или же это сокращенный кризисный бюджет сериала, который не позволил произвесть съемки еще и, например, в Лондоне. Однако скоро мы все файнд аут.
А вы заметили, как в конце эпизода Эрик уходил в даль, двигаясь в танце не хуже самого Джастина Тимберлейка. Это был восхитительный и выразительный танец, в лунном свете, редкий летний снег дрожал и таял на его волосах и ресницах. Это был танец – выражение сути единственного персонажа-гея, о котором все забывают, и который никому не нужен в этом шоу. Это так грустно. Слезы дрожали на щеках Эрика, но это делало его танец еще прекраснее. Он произнес в камеру: «Я тут никто» и растаял в рассветной дымке. At least for now. Но мы увидим его, как только понадобится его участие в какой-нибудь идиотской сюжетной линии с Дженни.
Кстати о ней, ее не было ни на экране, ни даже в нашем воображении. Thx God.
А Ванесса была.
Обзор Gossip Girl S04E02
Как сказал известный парижанин Труман Капоте: «Париж – город любви». А кому об этом знать, как не ему. Вид на Софийский собор, паутина каналов, Останкинская башня. Париж – столица любви, кишащая настоящими принцами, даже если им не стать любовью всей твоей жизни.
Помните, в прошлой серии Блэр встретила темного принца из Восточной Европы по фамилии Гарибальдян, с которым ей удалось сесть в нехилую лужу? Забудьте, то была не лужа. В начале эпизода она заявляет Серене, которая по этому случаю одета в космический костюм супергероя, но без красных трусов, что Гарибальди дал ей шанс №2. А понадобилась всего лишь капля Блэриной крови, которую он заключил в сосуд и будет носить в амулете на шее. Но биг дил! Блэр вне себя от восторга и собирается доказать принцу, что она близка к народу. А народ, как известно, копается обычно в мусорках и поедает потом найденные там кебабы и прочее, прогуливаясь по мостам. На этот раз это был знаменитый парижский Понте Веккьо, но кого это волнует. Блэр в восторге убегает на пролетарское свидание, а Серена смотрит ей вслед (она обожает смотреть, как Блэр исчезает из виду). Но тут звонит ее галактический телефон. Это оказалась ее Земная Мать.
«Холи шит, доча! Твой полу-недо-братан Чарльстоун оступился в речку, и теперь его труп на идентификации застрял. Дуй в морг, разберись.» Серена нервно сглотнула. Сказать ли Блэр, которая вся блеск и конфетти, что ее любовь всей жизни поедена рыбами. Фак, но! «Да мамуля, пойду взгляну на кадавра, но пока не опознаю, никому ни-ни.»
Итак, Серене поручено скорбное ремесло. Хорошо, что хоть одета она как раз для опознания тел в морге – в батлстаргалактика комбез.
Но тут же мы видим Чака, живого и здорового, хотя и одетого в официанта. Сегодня первый день его новой, перспективной жизни в качестве «Подай-принеси». Чак горд и счастлив. Расцепив цепкие ручки своей френч-подруги Флер де ла Кактам, он вырывается на узкие и широкие улочки парижской пенинсулы, медленно ковыляя с палочкой к месту его великих будущих свершений – захолустному французскому ресторану с мухами и испорченным фуа-гра.
И... Бемс! Он на дороге, Блэр в лимузине, окно открыто, взгляды встретились. Что за минута! Закрыв рот и преодолев смущение, Блэр метко лупит шофера своим хлыстиком с кристаллами Сваровски от Agent Provocateur и велит трогать. Шофер трогает, и лимузин, шурша шинами, проезжает по хромой ноге Чакки. Но не это заставляет его застыть, как статуя, на углу Рю де Тоска и Бульвар де ла Унижение. В его глазах – вся боль Вселенной.
Естественно, после такого надо срочно рвать когти. Городишко спалился. В нем есть место только одной из половинок вечного дуэта. Он хватает Флер в объятья и хочет с ней тут же бежать на вокзал, по пути заскочив в банкомат снять денег с карточки, на которой пусто на месте имени, а номер 000 000 000 001. Но тут раздается зловещий стук в дверь. На пороге Серена. See, в таком захолустном городишке, как Париж, достаточно обойти пару ресторанов – их там примерно и есть пара, и тут же нарвешься на тот, где Чаккер со столов вытирал. Вот почему только ей вздумалось искать своего братика именно после того, как она опознала не его труп?
Что делает Чакки? Не дослушав свою излишне заботливую сестру, он Бац! захлопывает перед ее носом дверь. Это надо сделать фишкой сериала. На пороге Нейт. «Привет, Нейт!» Бац! На пороге Дэн. «Привет, Дэн!» Бац! На пороге Дженни. Бац форева!
Но пока мы смотрим серии в старом формате, так что Серена далеко не ушла. Она слонялась в подворотне, пока Чарлин не появилась, чтобы пойти по своим неблаговидным делам за фальшивым айдентити. «Чак, ты потеряешь Империю!» Но Чаку это до балды, он так устал играть в этом сериале так страдает по Блэр, что не может вернуться в Яблоко. Позже он пошлет ей все доки на отеллер, что мы наблюдали с сжавшимся сердцем, вообразив на мгновение, что он переписал отель на Серену. Боже упаси это здание.
В это время Блинда, естественно, собиралась на очередное свидание с Гарибальдяном. Но сначала его слуги умчали ее к странному старичку Гарри Уинстону, который жил в доме из бриллиантов. В молодости он случайно набрел на алмазную шахту, и алмазов у него было не счесть. Он построил из них домик, но их было так много, что они валялись везде, и его любимым развлечением было кидать их в прохожих из окна. Особенно, если они были крупные и попадали в голову. Так что он и Блэр хотел закидать, но под руку ему попалось кольцо, которое он метнул особенно ловко. Оно ударилось об лоб красотки и скатилось на ладонь. Она, конечно, его узнала, хотя никогда раньше в жизни не видела. Серена, которая весь день врывалась куда ни попадя, ворвалась и к Гарри Уинстону. “Чаклесс едет на вокзал, ты должна все бросить, - сказала Серена, косясь на брильянты, крепко зажатые в кулачке Блэр, - и немедленно его остановить. Даже если тебе придется, как Анне Карениной, бросится под его поезд. Тем более, тебе не привыкать, у вас это была любимая секс-игра.” “Но я должна быть Черной Леди сегодня вечером,” – со слезами на глазах прошептала Блэр. “Черная Леди? Кажется, Нейт выписывает такой порножурнал. Но сейчас не время для этого.”
Теперь все на вертолетах, воздушных шарах, такси и самокатах шпарят на вокзал спасать Чарльза от себя самого. Блэр пришла к финишу первая, ловко сбив при входе на вокзал опешившую Флер де ла Кто? Серена, бегущая следом, в космическом костюме и на 25 см каблуках, хотела незаметно проскользнуть мимо. Но француженка придержала ее за баллон с кислородом и невинно поинтересовалась – ху из зе гёль? На что Серена молча передала ей ДВД с тремя предыдущими сезонами Сплетницы с субтитрами на французском. Словами этого не объяснить.
Итак, Чак спасен от путешествия по вонючей Индии и лямблий в печени, ибо после лицезрения Блэр (что бы там она не говорила – я не люблю тебя, я не люблю тебя – нам лучше знать) он пилит в единственный город на земле, где есть Манхеттан и в сериале Сплетница есть хоть какой-то смысл.
Серена тоже пилит в Биг Эппл, только чтобы обнаружить, что Дэн переспал с Ванессой, Нейта обучает жизни сама Кейт Кессиди (от этого он смотрится еще более жалко), а Руфус таскается с младенцем, которого упорно продолжает называть внуком. Санитары посоветовали его не разубеждать.
Еще мы узнали, что Кейт, или Джульет, работает под прикрытием, докладывает о происходящем, и ей что-то удалось. Что? Умираем от нетерпения узнать.
И точно также, в конце эпизода Эрик проделывает кульбит от одного края экрана к другому на фоне заходящего солнца, погружающегося в рваные, горящие облака. Дэн и Нейт чувствуют некое возбуждение в чреслах, а Эрик поворачивается к камере и слова срываются с его уст, но расстояние, толща воздуха не доносит до нас ни звука. Внезапный, как порыв ветра, налетает Гарибальдян. Его волосы развеваются на ветру, его хохот страшен. Он подхватывает Эрика и летит с ним прочь, оглашая окрестности страшным воплем: «Хи из мааайн!» Дэн и Нейт тихо, по осеннему, переводят дыхание. Сентябрь. Время возвращаться в колледж.
Обзор Gossip Girl S04E04
Пропустив серию, можно насладиться построением догадок. Похоже, Джорджина продала ребенка Дэна (не от Дена прижитого) проезжим цыганам, что мейк Дэна сэд панда. Хорошо что его пещерная невеста Ванесса осталась с ним. В ней есть все, чтобы мужчина перестал грустить. Или не все? Апарентли нот, пещерная девушка с конституцией швабры не может насытить все сексуально-эмоциональные потребности. Иногда лучше позвать Серену.
Пока Дэн гуляет за ручку с Сереной, плоско шутит, а она плоско смеется, Блэр наблюдает как Эва сбывает краденное нажитое непосильным трудом полученное от Чака в подарок добро – милионндолларовстоящие часы Картье, врученные ей на День Бастилии. Блэр бежит к Чаку доложить, но оказывается что немеренные кучи кэша пойдут на помощь бедным нелегалам, работающим у Чака массажными рабами. Эва прощена, а Блэр стоит с таким выражением на лице, будто у нее вся спина белая.
Но у Нейта, который дейтит самую многообещающую актрису малого Голливуда, Кейт Кессиди, проблемы. Актерка смывается со свиданий, отменяет планы и никогда не пускает его в свои аппартаменты, мотивируя разбросанными лифчиками. Что-то не так. Мы-то знаем, что Кэйт задумала что-то крайне нехорошее, но Нейт уверен – она ему изменяет. Что делает Нейта сэд панда.
Он звонит своей ближайшей подруге Даниэль, чтобы пожаловаться, а заодно предупредить, что Ваня – девушка подруги, прибежала к нему в поисках Дэна, и что он его отмазал как мог – врет он так же натурально, как держатся его прилизанные гелем волосы на торжественных обедах. Натурально, Дэн про Ваню и думать забыл, пока гуглил прошлое Эвы, у которой есть, оказывается вебсайт с хостингом в пражском квартале красных фонарей. По айпи он и догадался, что Эва торгует телом. Он строго обещал Блэр, что никому об этом не скажет, пока не выйдет вечерний выпуск Правды Манхеттена, где этому будет посвящен центральный разворот. Но Нейт неотразим даже по телефону, так что Дэн сболтнул ему инфу, которую Натали неосторожно и в течении 5 секунд после того, как повесила трубку, сболтнула своему другу Чаку. Что сделало Чака сэд панда.
Все идут на бал, потому что на кухне обсуждать такие перепетии не комильфо. Серена приходит туда в красной комбинации с протертыми дырочками на талии, желая поразить Дэна в самое сердце. Блэр путем сложной многоходовой комбинации (уже не нижнее белье, а грязное), о которой я бы написала, если бы это не было так скучно, добивается того, что Эва пакует чемоданы – в Праге ей пригодятся только босоножки для стриптиза на прозрачной платформе и та одежда, которая снимается в 2 приема, расстегиваясь на обеих боках. Это делает Чака сэд как две панды.
Он идет к Блэр и вызывает ее на дуэль. 4 утра в Центральном парке. Мы увидим это в следующей серии. А пока лучшая часть эпизода: Эрик выходит на сцену, одетый в красное бальное платье Серены, надетое всего раз. Он берет микрофон и дивным кристальным голосом поет старый блюз. Все замирают на благотворительном балу, драка останавливается, кулаки опускаются, окровавленные тела приподнимаются с пола. Все замерли от звуков прекрасной музыки, льющейся, окатывающей волнами бальный зал отеля Империя. С его губ, накрашенных ярко красной помадой, срываются слова : «Прощай, прощай навсегда!» Все плачут.
Обзор Gossip Girl S04E05
Все ходят в колледж. И Сережа, то есть Дэн, тоже. Он вроде бы в Нью-Йоркский, но кого это волнует, если все остальные в Коламбии, и Серена там, и Блэр там, и Нейт – где еще ему быть. Фактически, единственная, кто туда не ходит – это пещерная женщина Ванесса. Ей от этого не по себе, поэтому она крутится неподалеку. Также туда не ходит Дженни, которую никто не любит, и Эрик, который умер.
Так что все теперь происходит в кампусе Коламбии, универа, куда, поскольку и не без этого модно теперь учиться. Помните, кто-то догадался нанять в сериал самую динамичную актрису малого Голливуда Кейт Кессиди. Не помните? Как я вас понимаю. Тем не менее, это как-то произошло. И в шоу она играет злобную сучку, замышляющую и осуществляющую злобные делишки, преледуя загадочную цель. У нее, вроде бы, брат в тюрьме? Или мы не так поняли? Он был раньше, или сценаристы по обыкновению высосали его из пальца в последний момент?
Теперь Кейт соблазняет Нейта, но зачем? Она действует по заказу террористической организации, или влюбилась в него по чесноку? Ну в этом есть смысл. Он же такой многоликий и разносторонний, такой умница и светлая голова. Любая девушка согласилась бы познакомить его с отцом, если бы была дочерью нобелевского лауреата. Не правда ли?
Чтобы соответствовать своей злобной роли, а также немного взболтать мутное болотце монотонной студенческой жизни, К. К. Через Сплетницу сообщает, что у С. ЗППП. Да-да, вы не ослышались. Уточненного диагноза нет, но ту все хорошо – выбирай на вкус, и сифилис, и гонорея, и букет малых венерических. Половина кампуса как подорванная бежит в местный медпункт, сметает все запасы ватных палочек (наша фантазия бессильна - зачем они нужны для анализов?) и выстраивается в скорбную очередь. Серена бегает от одного конца очереди к другому и умоляет разойтись, размахивая справкой из вендиспансера и коллекцией использованных презервативов, которые она хранит с 12 лет. Народ безмолвствует.
Ванесса в ярости – в очереди она видит и Дэна. Его жалкие отмазки, типа я тут за компанию постою - не катят.
Но с Сереной пока не покончено, ибо в своде законов Коламбии не оказалось правила, что студенты с сифилисом немедленно исключаются. Правило про студентов с наростами в виде рогов оленя на голове – есть, а про сифилис ни слова. Shame. КК надо предпринять что-то еще.
Она быстро обводит вокруг пальца пещерную Ваню, чтобы та применила навыки уличного детства и поперла у Серены телефончик. С которого коварная Кессиди отправляет письмецо всем профессорам Коламбии, включая геев, с предложением от Серены переспать со всеми и дать ей диплом уже к субботе. А то учиться 4 года – такая тоска.
Это уже тянет на исключение, профессоры возмущены, ибо не хотят стоять в очереди в медпункт на реакцию Вассермана, а так бы они конечно согласились. Чего уж там. Пойдешь даже на секс, только бы избавится от такой студентки.
Однако телефон Серены звонит в сумочке Ванессы, купленной на Бруклинском колхозном рынке – блестит, леопардовая раскраска, спереди золотой амбарный замок с надписью Маде ин Чина по-русски. Последний писк, кстати. Все смотрят на сумку и решают Серену пока не исключать. Это не мешает им всем, включая Дэна отвесить Ванессе воспитательных тумаков.
Где-то на заднем плане Блэр и Чак убили друг друга. Или что-то такое. Это никого не волнует.
Руфус, приняв первых попавшихся таблеток – может, активированного угля, а может противозачаточных, выходит на веранду. Там в кресле-качалке потягивает шампанское новый персонаж – Бобо. Нам плохо видно, мужчина это или женщина, но думаю, у них любовь. Ну и слава богу.
Стоп. Сто-оп. Помните, Руфус сказал, что Лили с Эриком поехали по колледжам? Наверно, в следующей серии мы увидим, как они едут пыльными дорогами, знакомятся с новыми людьми в придорожных кафе, их ждут приключения и впечатления, а вечерами песни под гитару у костра. Покажите нам это, пожалуйста? А?
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| MissBovari | Дата: Четверг, 28.04.2011, 01:25 | Сообщение # 2 |
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Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
| Gossip Girl: The Whore of Babylon
On last night's episode we saw the terrible lemur's return of one Jennifree Q. Humphrey, Brooklyn's most hated daughter, the Sephora eyeliner department's most loyal customer, and our favorite character. And by "favorite" we mean "make her go away."
I wish I could say that murder was the case, because who likes Jenny and it would be interesting if someone (Vanessa?) murdered her, but no. As it turns out, fashion was the case, as it often is with episodes that are Jenny-centric. Remember a few weeks or years or decades or who knows anymores ago that Chuck made a seeeeecret phone call to someone RE: Jenny Humphsalot? Well it turns out that the seeeecret phone call was to none other than Chuck's trusted vizier and racquetball partner Tim Gunn. Chuck wanted Jenny back in town so he could use her to totally fuck with Blair, because he's trying to ruin Blair's life. Now, if I was trying to ruin someone's life, I would probably frame them for murder or push them off the top of a tall building, but Chuck has chosen to go a slightly different route. He figures he can bring Jenny to town, thus making Blair mad, and presto change-o, life ruined. Or something? I have no idea. The evil, Valmontian scheming on this show actually never makes sense, ever.
But anyway, Jenny comes to town because she suddenly got a mysterious call from Tim Gunn's people, saying they want to meet with her, possibly about a recommendation to Parson's School of Cigarette Smoking. So this is a big deal. A big enough deal, in fact, to break Blair's Banning. Yeah, ugh, farts, clump, stomp, clank. Blair "banned" Jenny from Manhattan because of who cares, so Jenny technically shouldn't be meeting with Tim Gunn, because if Blair sees her, she can legally shoot Jenny on sight. Or something. Why is this plot line? Just why is it? If Taylor Momsen doesn't want to be on the show anymore, than have her get shot in the face by Vanessa. Don't have her "banned" from Manhattan like it's a real thing. And don't have all the other characters be all "Oh, right, you're banned. What're you gonna dooo???" Because then we'll be forced to assume this whole show is some sort of King of Hearts-esque story about escaped mental patients. Maybe it is? That would be kind of fun.
So yeah, Jenny is back in Manhattan to have tea with Tim Gunn and Blair finds out and she is furrrrious. Just so angry. So she stomps into Jenny's house, because hey why not, and yells at her. "What are you doing here? I banned you! Where's my pistol? Someone get me my pistollll!!" But no one was there to get her her pistol, so she was forced to negotiate with Jenny. The blonde gets a day-pass for the island, but can only go to her meeting with TG, then straight home. That's it. In exchange, Jenny will not return to New York for the holidays. Oh, nice. "You have authority over me, I recognize that, so I will not see my brother and father on Christmas. Because you have decreed it, powerless 20-year-old." Banning. Really, guys? Really. Yup, banning. Blair of course doesn't trust Jenny to go straight to the interview, so she sends her little spies out to follow the Humphs around town. Meanwhile, Chuckles has come by the house and surreptitiously stolen Jenny's portfolio, because he has evil plans.
Everyone else is glad to see Jenny. Dan gives her a hug and Rufus talks about chili. And Erik... Well, someone went shopping at the tight t-shirt factory after getting an early membership to Madonna's gym. Kid was looking weirdly jacked last night. When he walked in Dan was all "Uh... oh... Erik. Heh... hello. I... Your... shirt. Is it too small? You're just... bursting out of... I ... UhhoOOohhhhOOhhh.... I... um. Pants. I need new ones. Excuse me." It was hilarious! I love when Dan gets all jizzy over Erik. But anyway, that wasn't really part of the main story, the point is that everyone was all "Yo Jen, we have your back in the case of you v. Binksy Waldorf, so don't worry. You'll be fine." Too bad she wouldn't be fine! Chuck called Jenny and, in an even more ridiculous purr-growl than usual, said "I seeeem to have takennn your portfoliooooo. Come get it at my sexhotel." Jenny said "No! No!" but Chuck said there was no other way. So Jenny had to run over there, with Blair's lackeys in tow, and they took pictures of her leaving Chiggles' hotel, so Blair knew that she had to to put this little blonde bitch in her place.
What she ended up doing was apprehending Jenny's five design samples and painting a letter on each one. When the dresses were all lined up in a row, the letters spelled HER OW, meaning Jenny was hurt. Oh, wait. No, I'm sorry. My producers are telling me that I got that mixed up. The dresses actually spelled WHORE. Oh dear! So Jenny was sitting there with an awkward-looking Tim Gunn and saying how her fashions empower women and all that and then the WHORE dresses walked out and Tim said "Her! Ow!!!" and ran away in tears. Jenny was ruined. The seventeen-year-old will never get another chance to work again. Misery.
So she came running out of Tim's atelier and standing there with a smug look on her face was Blair, who said "Don't mess with me, sister" and handed her a bus ticket back to Hudson University. (Chung-chung!) Jenny was furious, upset, hurt (ow!), everything. Dan was equally mad. (Oh yeah, Dan was there, ostensibly waiting for Jenny, but he was secretly hoping that Erik might come by wearing a mesh tank-top and Daisy Dukes.) What would they do to get revenge on Blair? Well, in typical Gossip Girl fashion, they would go to a party.
Full size
This party was for the New York Observer, some herbbity-blerbbity about a New York Cool People issue. Lily and Rufus decided to go too, as did everyone else in the cast. (Except Vanessa, who is in jail for threatening to shoot people in the face.) Oh don't you love every party on this show? They're all so grand! And they're always a terrific excuse for cameo casting. This week's guests were Ivanka Trump and her beautiful wife Jared Kushner, owner of the actual real-life Observer. They mumbled a few lines and then shuffled off. Jenny ran up to Tim Gunn, who was also at the party, of course, and said "That wasn't me! It was an accident!" And Tim, who had previously been so short with her and run out before she could explain, for some reason decided to stop and reasonably listen to Jenny at this party. "Oh, you followed me to a party. That seems normal. Now I'll hear you out." So Tim and Jenny made up and then Tim let slip that it was Chuck who had set up the meeting ("I just can't say no to those baby browns...") and the scheming cat was out of the scheme-bag. Jenny gasped and Tim surveyed the scene, looking at all this flounce and flurry, and he turned to the camera and said, softly, sadly, "Maybe it doesn't get better."
Jenny now knew that she was the victim of scheming from both Blair and Chuck, so she decided to get even. And she got even by... sending a mass text message to everyone and Gossip Girl saying that she'd lost her baginity to Chuckles. WAY TO GET 'EM, JENNIFER. That'll reeeeally show 'em. "I had sex with Chuck Bass, a known jerk." God that must have burned for Chuck. And for Blair. Apparently it did! This was somehow some sort of societal undoing that was never fairly explained. Jenny felt satisfied but Dan was disappointed in her. "Maybe you're not ready to be back in New York, with all this plotting. Maybe Vanessa should just shoot you in the face." Jenny conceded that Dan was right and, outside the historic Boom Boom Room, she confronted Blair and Chuck. Not to tell them it was war, but to tell them she was leaving again. She didn't want to become like them. She wanted to be better. So that was that. Dan stood, looking proud, while out of the corner of his eye he watched Erik run by in bicycle shorts and little else, Dan not sure if the pulsing throb he felt was coming from the bass of the Boom Boom Room or from somewhere... else.
Jenny's dead again, yay. Someone who is not dead? America's premiere actress, Katie Cassidy. Yeah, she had more story business this week. See Nate's dad has been transferred to Uptown Community Prison, same as where Katie's mysterious criminal brother is. Naturally they ran into each other in the visitors' line, and Nate was all "Huhh??" and Katie was all "Uhh...." and then they sat on a bench and had a talk about things in which nothing was actually talked about and Katie kissed Nate delicately on the eyelids and said "Hush, sweetpie. Hush." And Nate began to purr, content once again in his love for Katie. Forget that she lies, ridiculously obviously, to him about where she is going all the time. Forget all that. She loves Nate and pets him and gives him treats, and that's all he needs. That's all he needs for now.
Of course Katie is still making schemes with brother dear, and telling him about Nate's dad in the clink. So Nate's dad got beat up with a phone book or something, and we still don't know why. We just don't know. Will we ever find out? Presumably. Do we care to find out? Eh.
Another story that was happening was that Serena finally boned Joan from Mad Men's husband. Well, actually, they didn't bone. They just stayed up all night "talking." Meaning they said increasingly dirty things to one another until they couldn't bear it anymore and collapsed, asleep atop each other in a messy, erotic heap. "I'll finger your ears!" "I'm gonna rub my butt on your knees!" "Felch factor of 5, engage!!!" Things like that. So they are now, of course, in most desperate love. Too bad then that when Serena, trying to be a new goody two-shoes at the college, showed up to her Psymology of Brizness class, Joan's husband was toootally the professor. Hellloooo, Mr. Chips! What is Serena going to do?
Well first she is going to break up with him. Then she is not. Then she is going to break up with him again, then she is not. Back and forth she went for much of the episode, mumbling words that nobody cares about, going to the Observer party and being all weird, getting embarrassed when her mom found out that she was polishing her professor's apples, etc. At the party, while Joan's husband was winning the Kush's Cooch Prize for Most Eligible Bachelor, Serena decided that no, she would be a model student and not scream "I'm blowing your ankles!" at her professor anymore. This greatly displeased Joan's husband, but he said he would wait for her. Seven long weeks. He will stand by the lighthouse and stare out across the Columbia Sea and he will wait for Serena's ship to return from class. And then, when she is back, they will make the kind of filthy verbal love to each other not seen since the days of William Shakespeare and Anne Hathaway. "Forsooth, I doth place my business upon thy brow!" That kind of stuff. The reeeeal dirty stuff.
But here's the surprise! After Joan's husband convinced Serena that he was just a 33-year-old man, standing in front of a 20-year-old student, asking her to wait for him after class, he went to a secret lair and there waiting for him, drink swirling in hand, was future AFI Lifetime Achievement Award-winner Katie Cassidy. Gassppsss! They are in cahootz! What is this terrible triumvirate of evil scheming? We do not know, we just do not know.
We do know that Katie Cassidy is kind of in love with her floppy Nate fop doll. She called him on the telephone device and was about to tell him all about her brother, but he wouldn't listen. He assumed she was breaking up with him because his Pa is in the hoosegow. Don't you love how no one on this show ever lets anyone finish a sentence? They always just jump to dire conclusions and walk away or hang up. It's completely not annoying or lazy storytelling at all! So that's exactly what Nate did. He hung up on Katie Cassidy before she could even say a few words, convinced that she was dumping him. He pulled a pillow close to his chest and began to cry softly. "Ahh boo hoo hoooo... Ah boo hoo hoooooo," he went for some time. Until he heard a soft-but-hard knock on the door and there, standing framed in amber light, was Dan. "Hey, uh, I...." Nate shook his head, put a finger to his lips. "No, no. It's OK. Come here."
And so Dan did. And so they tangled up in each other, lost in faraway thoughts. Nate thinking about prison, not in the sexy way this time, in the sad gray blocked sort of way. Dan thinking about his newly tree-trunk-thick stepbrother. "Erik..." Dan moaned at one point. Nate stopped him, looked up questioningly at Dan. "Huh?" "Oh, god. Gosh. Sorry. I'm just... I mean, have you seen him lately?" Nate considered this for a second. "Oh, yeah, man, you're right. OK, keep going, whatever." And so they kept going. They kept going and going and going, the ponds of their separate regrets pooling together and becoming a large, hot, churning lake of passion and sorrow, Chuck outside dressed up like a window washer, watching from the other side of the glass with calm indifference, video taping the scene for some reason, feeling he could use it later for more useless scheming. He'd tried to make up with Blair, or she with him, it wasn't quite clear, but it hadn't gone well. Too bad, so sad. He wished Vanessa was there to shoot him in the face.
Suddenly then it was the first stabbing streaks of early morning, and Erik, our silent Ajax, was jogging down Riverside Park, a content quiet in his breathing, a pearly peace in his mind. He was running fast, the streetlamps flickering off one by one behind him, following him. The warm, furious light of the sun was beginning to spread a new glow out over the world. And it was like this always, Erik knew then. Each day new and separate from the last. Every morning, everything new. A chance, once again, always, for something different.
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| MissBovari | Дата: Четверг, 28.04.2011, 01:26 | Сообщение # 3 |
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Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
| Gossip Girl: The Slowest Sex
Last night's episode of everyone's favorite mystery series was so full of scheming and plotting and double-crossing and other shenanigans that it nearly gave one whiplash. Slow down, Gossip Girl! You move too fast for our feeble minds.
Heavens to Murgatroyd was there a lot of plotting last night. Who wrote last night's script, David Mamet's drunk teenage daughter? It was like The Spanish Prisoner up in there last night, except instead of Ben Gazzara, Dan was the oldest person, and everyone was an even worse actor than Rebecca Pidgeon. (That, if you're familiar with her oeuvre, is quite a burn for the GG kids. Quite. A. Burn.) There was just a ton of scheming. So, pressed for time as we are on this deceptively sunny doomsday, let's get into it.
Remember Blair? She's a character on this show who is such an incredibly awful person that it's truly surprising anyone in the world, even her mother and her maid, still talk to her. She is rude and mean and a desperate, showy social climber. It's truly a wonder anyone can stand to be around her. It's an even greater wonder that she feels she has enough friends and well-wishing acquaintances to have a big fancy birthday party, but that's what she's doing. Yes, it was Blair's 12th birthday last night, so she licked all her invitations (what is this, 1994?) and sent them away, thrilled to be the center of attention for the first time since last week.
One person she was NOT going to invite to her big soiree was her nefarious ex, Checkers Bass. Oh of course she doesn't want Checkers there, she hates him! They fight all the time! Or does she? And, or do they? In literally one of the dumbest plots in Gossip Girl history (that, if you're familiar with the show's oeuvre, is quite a burn, quite a burn), Blair and Chuckles were reunited by dough-faced Serena and Nate, and sat down to hammer out an agreement to coexist in New York. You know, sort of like a lawyer would do. Now, you'd think that this was done to be all cutesy and hoo-hooooo aren't these kids silly. You'd think that, probably because you are a rational adult who has reasonable limits in terms of what is believable and whatnot. But, you'd be wrong. It wasn't just a silly ha-ha game for one scene. Later we found out that it had been notarized and was going to be sealed in a vault or something, and was as binding as signing an old parchment in blood. Hm. Good job, Gossip Girl! That isn't a horribly dumb thing at all. You know, that 43-article-long document, legally notarized, about what 20-year-olds can do about their stupid breakup. How whimsical! And then how taken way too far!
So yeah, whatever, Blair and Carmichaels signed the ancient scroll and their soup-smelling lawyers, Nate & Serena, smiled. Aw. Meanwhile, Serena is still all hot in the pants region for her professor, Joan's husband from Mad Men. Oh man. You know how sometimes this show tries to be all, like, artsy with its sexiness? Oh hahaha, gosh and gloryoski, that is totally what they did this episode, and it was so gross. The first instance was with Serena and Joan's husband, as they met for "office hours". For them "office hours" meant having weird flirty conversation while the camera slowed down just a little bit and started doing really weird, unpleasant extreme closeups on the characters' mouths and whatnot. They weren't even talking about anything sexy! It was just mildly charged dopey banter, but they were supposed to be like completely doing their sinful business in their own pants. And I think we were supposed to be too? Like, with every closeup and soft fade or whatever, I think that we were supposed to be all "Uhrrmm... Excuse me, I have to... OOOoooOOhhhhh gyuhhhhh.... [long horrible pause] Never mind." I think that was supposed to happen in our pants while watching that scene on Gossip Girl last night! But most of us, perfectly normal adults who just happen to be watching Gossip Girl because that's what they have on in the prison common room, just barfed a little and then cried because we weren't allowed to change the channel. Stop with the trying to be sexy, Gossip Girl!
Anyway, the whole point of the Serena/Teacher face-fuck was that they are so hot for each other, but they cannot do anything, because of Columbia. So isn't that a shame. Well, actually, maybe it isn't much of a shame, because Teacher is involved in some pretty nefarious things! Remember at the end of last episode when you saw Teacher give the wicked Katie Cassidy, America's most celebrated thespian, a check of money? We don't know why he did that! But we do know that Katie Cassidy is bad (not at acting!!!!!) and so anyone associated with her must also be bad. So Teach is definitely up to something, but Serena is unaware. She is also clueless to Katie Cassidy's obvious machinations, because no one is ever good at picking up on clues on this show until they are hit over the head repeatedly with said clues. I mean, Katie Cassidy's idea of spying on Serena is to stand directly across the street from her, watching her on her phone GPS, in the broad light of day, and then running up to Serena as she crosses the street, and saying "HI! Weird!! How weird!!!" Typically someone would be like, "Yeah, I just saw you from across the street furtively staring at me and then back at your phone, and then I saw you run into me. But, um, OK. Hi?" But not on this show! Katie Cassidy is the best spy ever on this show. She really knows her spying business.
Her spying business involves getting into Blair's bday party. Luckily she had an in! See, the professor was going to be there for some reason, so Serena was worried that she would have another one of those gross face-boning scenes and she just can't have that. So she needs a buffer, protection. In swoops Katie Cassidy (I thought she and Serena hated each other? I guess not) and she was all "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, I'll protect you from scary professor-sorcerers!!" And here's something I wasn't quite sure about. So, Katie Cassidy, expert spy as she is, didn't seem to know that the professor what gives her money is the same dude what Serena is face-humping? Do I have that right? Or totally wrong? Wait, no, that must be wrong, because why else then would Katie Cassidy want to go to Blinky Waldorf's stupid birthday party? I don't know, I'm confused. I told you this was tricky! So basically Katie Cassidy is like "I can protect you from your secret man friend, though I don't think Blair likes me very much..." To which Serena said "Well, you'll be my guest," in this way that was like "Don't worry, you're in good hands." Which, what? Since when are those the rules of birthday parties? You know, where you can bring someone that the birthday boy or girl really hates with complete impunity because they are your guest. That is a terrible birthday party rule! "Hey Richard, happy birthday, great party. Oh, and here is my friend, Rick Santorum. No! No! Stop right there. You can't say anything. He's my guest. I know this is your birthday party, at your private home, but he's my guest. C'mon Rick, let's go get punch." I hate that rule!
Um, whatever. Moving on! Blair and Chuck are legal friends, Serena loves professor but can't so she's bringing Katie Cassidy to Blair's party for jerks. We're caught up. Another thing that was happening that day was that Rufus and Lily were having their anniversary. They really, really wanted to have a big, sexy party but what was the point if their beloved daughter Jenny couldn't come down from Hudson to enjoy it with them? Oh, and why can't she come down from Hudson to enjoy it with them? Because Blair said no. Because a 20-year-old with no ties to their family said "You can't come to New York." And people followed this rule like it was actually a rule! Which is so dumb, and, like the friendship contract, another example of this show taking a little bit of whimsical hyperbole and making it cold, hard, dumb, oft-repeated fact. The Blair Banning: A Real Thing. Guh. So yeah, Rufus is all bummed and weird about the fact that he can't have a widdle pawty, and Dan and Erik feel bad for him. Yeah, Dan and Erik spent soooo much time together this episode! It was great, and sexxxxy. Basically they wanted to do something that would get their parents to have an anniversary party, and of course that involved totally burning Blair and Chuck. Yeah, somehow the whole thing devolved into Dan and Erik making schemes against B & C, all of which failed.
First they planted some dumb fake story on the Gossip Girl blog that everyone still reads for some reason, but that backfired because Blair and Chuck both totally knew it was fake. Then Dan and Erik — who was somewhat reluctant, but what can you do when love is staring you right in the face and asking you a favor? — decided that they would totally embarrass Blair at her big fancy birthday party. OK, makes sense. Good luck, boys! After they hatched their plan, Dan opened a bottle of red wine and, while handing a glass to Erik, whose legs were trembling in a nervous-yet-excited pre-sex way, said "So, we'll just see where this crazy thing takes us, I guess. Me? I'm hoping it takes us all the way..." And then they sipped their wine and dimmed the lights.
Hm. What else? Oh, Serena is totally sad and jealous about Teacher sleeping with otha goils, so she follows him to his house, like normal people, and watches him go inside with a sexy lady. Grrrr! Serena mad! Serena smash! Serena mumble! She mumbled her way upstairs to the Teacher's house and he was all "What're you doin' here?" and she was all "Where's your fucking whore?? Fucking whore, show yourself! Drag your whore ass out here so I can beat you to death with your own fucking high heel, you filthy whore! WHORE, SHOW YOURSELF." But the whore did not show herself. Who did show herself was a lady in a maid outfit. ZOMPOPPLES, it was just the maid! Serena was so embarrassed. But Teacher just thought it was cute that she was jealous. Serena kneed him in the groin and walked out. She really would need help at this party if he was going to be there. (Most millionaire professors spend their time going to 20-year-olds' birthday parties.) She went to Nate and told him the problem and he was like "What, don't go with Katie, go with me!" So Serena called Katie and was like "It's off, whore" and Katie was so mad. See, she'd been texting her brother in prison (yes, on Gossip Girl you are allowed to send text messages to people in prison; nice world you live in, Gossip Girl!) and she really needed to scheme against Serena and she needed to scheme hard, but if she wasn't at the birthday party, this could not happen. So she called her sexbone professor friend, I guess not knowing he belonged to Starleena, and was all "Can you bring me to that 20-year-old's birthday party you're going to?" and I guess the professor was like "Oh, hm, that girl I give ominous checks to wants to go to my student fling's best friend's birthday party, plus I'm an adult. Sounds like a good idea!" So he did. So everyone did.
And everyone includes Lily and Rufus. Hahahaha. Isn't that great and sad? On their anniversary, the best thing Lily & Rufus could think to do was go to a 20-year-old's birthday party. A 20-year-old they don't even particularly like! Great work, writers. That makes a ton of sense. So yeah, eyybody was up in that bitch, including fabulous celebrity guests. You know, people like Joe Zee and Cynthia Rowley and Rachel Zoe. The stupid thing was that, according to jokes, Madeleine Albright and Jonathan Franzen were at the party too. And, hm, I don't think that Jonathan Franzen and the first woman Secretary of State go to the same parties as Joe fucking Zee. I mean, I don't know much about celebrity parties, but I think celebrities usually like to go to celebrity parties with other celebrities, not Joe fucking Zee, who has a made-up job at a magazine no one cares about. (Sorry. Residual The City anger.) So that was dumb.
Full size
Ugh this is going on far too long. Basically what happened: Everyone was giving toasts and then this dumb girl who nobody knew walked up and was like "Welcome to the Roast!!" And the weird thing is that she was carting around gay fantasia on sick beat themes, the singer Robyn, around with her. Sure thing! "I like your purse!" "Oh, thanks, it's Robyn." Well, OK, there actually was a reason. Basically the girl put on a tape of Blair singing at a bar after a Robyn show or something and she was drunk and it was sooooo embarrassing. Madeleine Albright walked up and slapped Blair across the face and yelled "Albright, away!!!" and, powered by loud, forceful farts, she crashed up through the ceiling and flew off into the night. Blair was ruined, basically. The dean who wanted to have lunch with Blair (because that's just what deans do) looked all pissed, and in her fury, Blair was thrashing around and hit Rachel Zoe, who broke into a million pieces because she is a brittle bone monster topped backwards and had chocolate fountain dumped all over her head. She actually said "I... die" and it was funny sort of but also like, ugh, Rachel Zoe, y'know? So Blair was ruined. Who had told that dumb girl it was a roast??? And why was Robyn complicit in all of this??? (The second, more important, question never got answered.)
Blair thought it was Chuck so she ran over to him and said mean things and he cried and said "It wasn't me!!!!" and then a voice behind Blair said "It was me!!!!!!!" and there was Dan, raging and crazy-eyed. Seeing Dan all frothing and angry, Erik said "Holy shit, I— OooHhhhOhhhhh... Eyunnnghhh... [silence] Ohh Dan." Yeah, it was Dan! Dan somehow knew about the singing video or something so he set the whole thing up to drive a wedge between Blair and Chuck only to... immediately reveal it wasn't Chuck, thus barely driving a wedge at all? Good scheming, Dan. So everyone was surprised but most of all Rufus, who said to Dan "I can't believe you're one of them. Come, Lily. There's some changing to my will that needs doing." Dan was embarrassed, Chuck was hurt that Blair had suspected him, Dorota was in the pantry with Joe Zee fooling around. Good party.
Oh the Serena thing. Um. Basically Katie Cassidy the expert spy showed up on the arm of the professor, liked walked out of the elevator into the party with him and then said, audibly, "Well we should probably split up before anyone sees us together." In the middle of the party. Good work, Katie! You should work for CIA 5 or something. But someone did see! Someone named Nate. With the sound of two rocks hitting against each other, simple little Nate finally put it together and decided that Katie must be dating Serena's professor, so he confronted her and Katie didn't seem to know about the Serena connection. Also the professor confronted Katie because he found out that she'd been having contact (text messages!) with her brother in jail, or something, and everyone was mad. It made no sense. I can't follow it. Sorry guys. Serena kissed the professor and give him a total boner and then left. He stood there with his pants tented and the maid dusted it with a feather duster as she walked by. Katie Cassidy called her brother on the phone and he was all "You can't tell Teacher what we're doing! Just get Serena expelled!" and I think we are supposed to care? Basically he is probably the druggie that Serena thinks she "killed"? Remember, those seasons ago? Or not. Or he's someone completely different and stupid.
At the verrry end of the episode, Chuck went over to Blair's to be more mad at her and they were all "I hate you!" "I loathe you!" "You're disgusting!" "Get in me!" Yeah, they totally kissed and then reeeally raunchily did it on poor Margaret Colin's pianah. It was another weirdly slowed-down sexy scene and it was just pretty revolting. Sex is gross when you are on Gossip Girl! This is just plain fact.
Well, not always. Back in Brooklyn Dan was nursing his wounds. He had talked with Vanessa, who lives there, and she was no help. So he was lying in bed, staring out through the window at the moon, and then all of a sudden he was there. Erik, up the fire escape and at the window. Dan opened it. Cold late October air was blowing into his room, but he didn't care. There was Erik, wrapped around him, undoing a belt buckle, lifting a shirt, giggling, running his fingers through his hair, kissing and biting and pinching and squeezing. Dan felt like he would fall right through the bed, like he was floating in most infinite outer space. "I..." he said at one point, but it was all he could manage. The two lovers, the two plotting pals, curled up into each other and became one heaving mass, their bodies hung up in the night sky with the stars, warm celestial beings, quasars or other phenomena. Dan was crying and laughing and yelling all at once. He was weightless, he was forever.
Until a drunken Rufus stumbled into the bedroom and started peeing on the bed, thinking he was in the bathroom, and Dan had to yell "Dad! Dad! Stop! This is Dan! You're in Dan's room!" but Rufus was too drunk to stop and Dan just kept yelling, not noticing that next to him, amid all the noise and urine, Erik hadn't stopped, hadn't even missed a beat.
OK. That was gross. I told you sex on this show is always gross! Anyway. I'm exhausted. Gooodnight. Sleep well. Have sexy dreams!
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| MissBovari | Дата: Четверг, 28.04.2011, 01:27 | Сообщение # 4 |
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Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
| Gossip Girl: You’ll Get Yours in the End
Oh my god this show is still on. Still on! After all those twists and turns and lover's burns, it soldiers on. Despite everything, it believes it is still interesting at heart.
Last night was something of a Half-Solve episode. Things were all sort of half-solved. We know that Blair and Chuckles are straight up donkey doin' it, but we don't know where they'll go from here. We know that Nate and Dan are lonely weirdos who should seriously just make out with each other instead of pining for Serena, but we don't know when that will happen. We know that Serena is gross and dumb, but we don't know when someone will just tell her. And we know that Vanessa is a character on this show, but we don't know why. See? Things were half-solved. And I guess a Half-Solve episode is better than a No-Solve episode, which has been the rest of this season so far.
So. Blair and Chuck are totally mashing genitals against each other for pleasure, and everyone is throwing up all over the place because of it. Because it is so gross. "Hey Blair, let me put my penis inside you behind these bushes." THROWUP. "Hey Chuck, why don't you stimulate my vagina with your mouth some more." RETCH. "Oh my gosh, let's pant and wheeze and sweat here in this limo because we just rubbed our genitalia together to the point of climax." RALPH. Sex on Gossip Girl is never not completely gross and disturbing, and this was no exception. I know most people are clapping their hands and crying with giddy laughter as their cats gnaw at their ankles and yet another lonely day passes by because Blair and Chuck are together again, but I am not one of those people! Oh, go ahead, gnaw away, cat, pass away, lonely days. But I am not happy about Blair and Chuck. Because it's all about sex, and having sex with Blair Waldorf would be like having sex with a lukewarm robot. Warm enough that it feels sort of real, but cool enough that you can feel the metal and skin-fabric. You know. IT"S GROSS, is what I'm saying. Grossity gross gross.
But they're doing it anyway and that was a plot point. Absolutely nothing changed or developed in their fucking, just more and more fucking and more and more gross fucking jokes that made everyone at home never want to fuck again. (Don't worry, we won't. I mean, we're adults who watch Gossip Girl. Are we really like "Heyyyy slow down, sex life!!"? No. No we are not.) So let's move on to the next story.
Dannnnnnn and Serena and Professor Lasky. See, Serena and the Professor have been doing a little dance around each other for the past few weeks and everyone has been so fascinated with it that they decided to do more of it last night! Yaaaaayyyy!!! So basically Serena doesn't know if she should date the Professor but the Professor is always all sexy and romantic and being like "Let's go on a vacation to Lamprey Island together and there we'll roll around in piles of seaweed and we'll slurp cold raw clams out of their shells and hermit crabs will nestle up against us." And Serena finds it really hard to turn down a romantic trip, especially to Lamprey Island! So she's all, "Let's date." Plane tickets booked, car rented, spot on creepy Lamprey Island ferry run by eyeless man named Zeke Turner reserved. A done deal. Excepppppt! 1) Remember when America's most talented chameleon Katie Cassidy took sex pictures of Serena and the Professor sexting each other live and in person? I'll give you a moment to barf up your breakfast. OK? Done? Well, yes, this happened. So there is always that intrigue hanging over the proceedings. 2) Serena talked to Blair and Dan and they were both like "Wait, if he really loved you, he would quit his Professorship. Because he's a billionaire so it doesn't matter anyway." Because money is all these kids care about. "He has money, why would he want to do anything intellectually fulfilling? Ridiculous!" So Serena is all "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm" all of a sudden, thinking maybe Teach could be polishing her apples a little more attentively than he's been doing.
All of this leads to Serena walking down a hall at Hogwarts with Professor Lasky and saying "Yo, Profzees, we gotta b-up!!!" She meant break up. She's very street. So he was all "Awwwww whittle tits" and shuffled off. Problem solved. In sweeps Dan to take Serena to the ballet and Dan is so very, very excited. Like a boner from here to Fort Pond Bay excited. Because, narratively speaking, he's just up and decided he has a crush on Serena again, because why not. It's a good plot! What will happen to all of this romanz?
Well, remember the other thing I mentioned, the thing about America's premiere stage artist Katie Cassidy having illicit doggin' daguerreotypes of Serena and Professor Lasky? Those came into play. See, remember Vanessa? Well, Vanessa makes no sense. None whatsoever. So she popped up to make no sense last night. Nate was feeling a little wistful about Katie Cassidy so he went over to her supposed apartment with a box 'a her shit and was all "Ding dong, Nate lady calling!" But no one answered. The building was cold and quiet. Nate wandered outside and there was a very, very old doorman, sweeping up dried leaves, staring at the swallow-streaked sky. "Sir, I'm looking for Katie Cassidy?" The old man looked at him strangely, his eyes glassy with cataracts. "Katie Cassidy? Oh, no. No sir. No one by that name here. No one by any name here. Place here is full up, full up with ghosts. Oh no, sir. No Katie Cassidy here. No sir, no sir. Ghosts is all we got here. Used to be lotsa life, children runnin' around, all kinds 'a noise and good times. But that was a long, long time ago. Now it's just ghosts. Children grown up and moved away. Children'll do that, y'know." Nate was stunned! If she wasn't living here, in this mysterious ghost house, then where was she living??????
Naturally when one has such questions, one calls one's cavewoman friend and says "Oooga boooga, find out where she lives and break into her house." Hahahaha. That's actually what Nate did last night. He called Vanessa, told her the situation, and they decided that Nate would distract with a sexy lunch date on the college campus while Vanessa, seriously, found Katie's actual apartment and BROKE INTO IT. Honestly! Hand to God! That's what happened last night. Good thinking, Gossip Girl writers. Good thinking indeed. Makes total sense to me. So whatever, Vanessa broke into Katie's apartment and found the sex photos of Serena putting a mortarboard in places a mortarboard shouldn't go (tassel and all!) and she was like "Gullllllllp." They excited her very much. But meanwhile back on campus, Katie was all "Oh Nate, I'm so sorry I lied, the thing is.... I'm very poor. I live in a studio on 126th street full of Ikea furniture!" Hahahahahahahha. Shut the fuck up. That's awesome. Can I have your shitty studio apartment full of trendy furniture in Morningside Heights? Thanks. This show is really about all kinds of people, isn't it? It's like when Serena and the Professor were in a cab together and he was like "This is our first time alone in a while..." and I wished that the cab driver had said "Um, well I'm here. I'm a human being. I'm from Senegal and my wife and kids live in the Bronx. So, you're not really alone. I'm here. I'm real. I'm a human."
So yeah, that's what Katie was all embarrassed about (lie!), and Nate was like "Ohhh cinnamon, Vanessa!!" So he texted her and said that she didn't need to go to the apartment but Vanessa was already there and had seen the horrifying photos so done was done. After their little romantic rendezvous, Katie headed home, opened up the door, and there was Vanessa! Really just sitting in her apartment! And rather than scream and scream and scream and call the police, like a normal person would upon finding a vague acquaintance sitting in a chair in their supposedly locked apartment, Katie was all "Hey, what's up?" And Vanessa was all "Look, sex photos." And Katie was all "No, I'm not going to send those anymore, I love Nate." Because she's mad at her brother whatever whatever. But the writers decided to make Vanessa's character evil all of a sudden, so she stole the flashdrive and decided to ruin Serena anyway.
Once again we return to the ballet, where everything was beautiful. (Cooper Nielsen!!!!) In typical Gossip Girl fashion everyone was there, for various stupid reasons. Blair brought the Professor because he'd quit his job and wanted to be with Serena, meaning Dan was gonna get tooooootalllllyyyy boner-blocked. Katie Cassidy went as Nate's date, but not for long! Vanessa had an invitation because... Vanessa. So all the players were in position. Serena's dean, poor poor Jayne Atkinson, was there and Vanessa's idea was to tell the dean "Hey dean, want to look at some hot photos of one of your students and a professor experiencing the holy and ancient act of private parts-mingling?" It was a good, puke-inducing plan. But Katie Cassidy didn't want Vanessa to do it! "Pleeeeease," she begged. Pleeeeeeeeease. But Vanessa didn't care. She didn't care so much that she made up lies and told truths, truths that Nate had asked her to break into Katie Cassidy's house (what an insane truth!!!) and lies that Nate was over there telling Blair all about Katie's evil deceptionous (word) ways. That was enough to flip Katie, and the two non-characters, but truly brilliant actresses, stomped over to Jayne Atkinson, who was gulping down a martini and trying to get her agent on the phone. "Deeeean! Sex!! Pictures!! Fucking!!!!" The dean was all "Who the hell are you?" to Vanessa, and it was TREMENDOUS. Best line ever. I love you again, writers.
Eventually Katie and Vanessa sputtered out their story, but not before Serena and the rest of the gang could all amass around Jayne Atkinson (who had killed herself at this point) and start yelling at her. It was cacophony and chaos! People were mad at the professor, and then not. Blair stepped up and said that she was the one who'd boned the professor, and K & V couldn't prove she wasn't because Blair dropped the mini-disc or whatever it was in her champagne. So Serena was off the hook, the Professor was just a grade-A creepweirdo and Katie Cassdy was burnt. So, so burnt. Outside the ballet, she stood all sad while Chuck, Blair, Serena, and Nate all circled around her like skinny, stupid hyenas and berated her. Guys! Bullying is dangerous! "You're a filthy peasant!" Blair screeched, tossing a pile of horse shit at her. "Commoner!!!" Chuck bellowed, rapping her soundly on the back with his cane. "Hideous wretch!!" Serena screeched, scratching her with her long, yellow fingernails. "My feewings hurt..." poor little Nate said in a tiny voice, kicking a can with his little boot. Katie was ruined. And what's worse? The Professor, her cousin, was like "You tried to get me in trouble for dippin' the wick in a little undergrad snatch? Not cool, cuz. Not cool at all. You are cut the fuck off. No more cheddar, bed wetter. Can't believe you'd cock me like that, goin' off the handle 'cause I'm gettin' it wet with a little coed cooze." (The Professor talks so gross.) Then Nate went off to go chase Serena, who is back with the Prof, but Dan went to chase her too, so it is all very confusing, but the important thing is that Nate no longer likes Katie. So basically Katie is going to go kill herself.
EXCEPT. Vanessa has no friends, so she'll be Vanessa's friend. And you know who else has no friends? Jenny of Hudson-on-Hudson! Yesssss, they totally video conferenced with Jenny about an as yet unknown revenge plot, so YES, GUYS. Prayer does work. Thank the congregation for all their blessed hard work. We are going to get a storyline about Vanessa AND Jenny!! Best characters ever! Yup, that's going to happen. In the meantime, after their video chat, Vanessa and Katie were there on the bed, so they decided to just nestle up into each other, let their hands do the walking, find hidden spaces and caverns, find safe places. They tangled in an annoying cavewoman, great-actress heap and a thick, acrid steam filled the room. It was beautiful, in a Gowanus Canal sort of way.
The best scene of the whole episode was Dan talking to sad Rufus. Rufus was there with a pile of floppy waffles, really his whole life a floppy waffle, and he just looked so glum and dejected. Dan was leaving, Jenny was dead, Lily was off somewhere draping herself in cardigans and other strange full-body wraps that she seems to favor, and Erik was interviewing at Wesleyan. Wesleyan! Oh my, Erik is going to become one of those, one of them. Those huddled, knobbly masses draping themselves over street corners in Greenpoint, fitting into narrow slits on the L, dancing with noodle-limbed abandon at Sugarland on special occasion nights. It's going to be so bad. So bad in a few years' time. But for now, he's just interviewing. Just going for a visiting weekend, just falling in love over and over again with every idealistic young thing in tight denim. There he was, skipping off into a gay glittery (broken glass glitters) life, while his step-dad was back in the glass-walled aerie in New York, fiddling despondently with floppy waffles, hearing the tin and rush of time ebbing away filling the room. Oh lives! What a round of a song! I'll start and then you'll come in later and I guess... I guess I'll probably be done before you, and I'll just look back and you'll still be there singing, some verse or bar that I only vaguely remember now, but I do remember loving it. What a sad thing! Erik at Wesleyan! Dan with a broken heart! Nate nowhere nearby to comfort him! Blair doing her gross business! Serena in a splintery Adirondack chair on Lamprey Island!
And all of us! Reading this! Writing this! Life!
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| MissBovari | Дата: Четверг, 28.04.2011, 01:27 | Сообщение # 5 |
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Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
| Gossip Girl: Serena Is Dead, Long Live Serena
Set your phasers to fun! Last night's Gossip Girl was so full of intrigue is was like a carnival ride through the tunnel of mysteries. If said tunnel was dimly lit and didn't make much sense.
Oh boy. A lot happened last night. Basically we saw the full, glorious, bellowing power of Julliard hall of fame inductee Katie Cassidy's whole scheme machine. And, dare I say, I was a little impressed! I mean once that big old lurching thing actually gets groaning into motion, it's... well, it's what Judy Collins was talking about when she sang about iron wheels rolling through the rain. (That reference is very near and dear to my heart, so please someone get it.) She basically ruined Serena's entire existence. Paper thin and glowing in afternoon sun as that thing is, it's not that much of a feat, but it's still something. Starleena van dirmen Blixen: 1997-Now. RIP.
So let's unpack this whole thing. Basically Serena broke up with Professor Chips and now she is trying to vagina-decide between Dan's haircut and Nate's penis, which makes a bell ringing sound every time he takes off his pants, like a stationery store door in Vermont. This is a verrry tough decision to make. And the boys aren't making it any easier. Oh isn't it funny when Dan and Nate fight? They're like two Gummi Bears who found a last salvo cache of Gummiberry wine and they've decided to battle over it. Mostly it's cutesy bouncing and lots of giggling and really the whole thing is just an excuse to rub jean-covered boners against each other. (So much like every Gummi Bears episode, really.) Gosh those two are such gigglemonsters! They were playing a game of Orange Ball at one point, throwing small orange balls into a hole (INSERT JOKE HERE, ALSO INSERT PENIS HERE IF THIS IS NATE'S BUTT) and it was just the silliest thing. Their whole thing is silly. But anyway, their whole thing was a big part of the episode. Basically they know that they're both pretend in love with Stramina and they want her to give them an answer. Which will it be, biiiiitch? Trouble is, Serena doesn't know how to answer!
See wha' ha' happened is that remember Vanessa? She's the egregious stinkbeast that everyone, absolutely everyone, hates and she lives in a hole in the dirt, crying and farting and eating the dirt. But then a girl, future dean of Yale Drama School Katie Cassidy, came by and made sex-friends with her so now they are an especially gruesome twosome and are trying to murder Serena. Unable to do this on their own, because cloven hooves can't properly manipulate doorknobs or cellphones, they called in the cavalry, which is just code for Taylor Momsen and her exquisite RatHead 5000™ hairstyle. Yeah, Jenny was back helping these sewer toads plan an evil adventure and it just made no sense. Yes, their scheme didn't make a lick of sense, but the basely cruel plotting behind it didn't make much sense either. Why does Jenny hate Serena this much? And why is she willing to totally throw her sea lion's penis of a brother completely under the bus about it? Didja think about that last night? Why Jenny was so willing to be so cavalier with Dan's twinkling emotions? It didn't really make any sense.
But! Whatever! I said Serena didn't know how to answer and that's because Jennifriah had stolen Serena's SIM card (is this a thing? is it for playing The Sims? I have absolutely no idea what a cellphone even is) so she and her witches two could control Serena's cellphone convos, so long as they were via textz or email. And Serena being a child of this most curdled and entitled and hideous of young generations (anyone between the ages of 18 and 23 currently reading this? ya burnt) all she ever does is text and email. (My anger at you kids is due to the fact that last night a friend of mine who works in theater publicity told me that her 19-year-old intern didn't get a Clueless reference the other day and that makes me want to stick hatpins in my eyes.) All Serena does all the time is text and email to various idiots, including Nate and Dan, so the three harpies had plenty of opportunity to mess with Serena's vagina. What they did is they told, as Serena, Dan to go one place and Nate to go there too, but told them separately, and that's where Serena would meet them for "I chose you!" moments. So of course Dan and Nate showed up to the same place and were like "I chose you..." and tenderly kissed while autumn leaves fell around them "What the hell!! What the frickin' frick!" Serena just happened to stumble upon them in all their boner-pained confusion and she was like "Mumbllllle" and they were like "We're sick of your mumbling. You decide who you want by midnight tonight or it's OVER." Ha, good thinking boys. The best kind of relationship is the one that begins with an ultimatum. Those always end well.
So that was some fool business that was going on in Serena's life thanks to those three misery sacks. But it wasn't all! There's also the matter of Columbia to attend to. Basically, America's answer to Vanessa Redgrave, Katie Cassidy, leaked a story to Page Six about Serena's sex affair with her professor, Dr. Jonas P. Dickknickers. Everyone read it and everyone was like "I thought Dr. Dickknickers was gay!" and it was just the talk of the town. How embarrassing. The Dean of Frowning at Columbia heard about it, and poor Jayne Atkinson had to do another scene with Blake Lively about it. Luckily the luminous Kelly Rutherford (I intend no sarcasm there, this lady needs her own show) was on hand to school the Dean of Being Concerned About Students' Social Lives in a little lesson about things, so put that in your poop-pipe, Columbia. Serena was impressed that her mother stood up for her at the meeting, but less impressed later. See Lily then went on to call up nü-Meryl herself, Katie Cassidy, and was like "Come the fuck over here, bitch." So Katie Cassidy did come the fuck over and Lily broke a teacup over her head and then shoved a live pigeon down her throat and was like "You wanna talk? Huh?? You wanna talk to newspapers about MY DAUGHTER? Well how you like the taste, stoolie? Huh?? How you like the FUCKIN' taste?" Katie Cassidy calmly took the pigeon out and was like "You know, I did leak the story, you are right. But! We both know, Lilly Sniterswittson, that this was not the first time Serena has lowered herself onto a teacher's pointer. NOT THE FIRST TIME AT ALL." Lily flinched and opened the locket around her neck and poured more of the delicious ether it contained into her tea. So that must be it, huh? The dude what's in jail? Kinky Cassidy's broheim? He's the teacher at boarding school that Serena made love to, right? Gross! Lily then proceeded to pay Katie Cassidy money to shut the hell up, which Katie later told Serena about, which made her sad.
Um. Let's see. The Dean of Meddling wants Serena to quit school but Serena doesn't want to quit school. Good thing for the future of the United States, deans of Ivy League universities are apparently now accepting text messages. So the girls used Serena's ghost phone (they hooked her SIM card up to their RAM capacitors and then downloaded her link files to their usenet servers, before hardwiring her PDA SEO to connect to her dashboard, for megabyte purposes) to text the Dean of Who Cares to say "Hey, Deanzy. Consider this my official FUCK A DICK. Van der Woodsen: out!" So they quit school for Serena using a cellphone! Isn't that awful? Can you believe such a thing? Let's check in with the three nasties' plan. School: done. Boys? Almost done. The three witches were going to lower the boom on that situation at a costume party that the show decided to have because it's a stupid show for idiots. The plan involved reason-why-Deb-Winger-quit-the-game-'cause-who-can-compete-with-this Katie Cassidy wearing the same dress as Stargrox to the costume dance and wearing a HORRIFYING MASK (night terrors, that thing gave me) and kissing both Natalie and Danica. ON THE MOUTH. Gosh it was just so gross for Nate and Dan but they had to pretend to be like "Ohhhh lady kisses! Sweet! I'm in boner heaven right here." It was embarrassing for everyone and then Dan and Nate found out that they'd both been kissed and they went up to the REAL Serena, who was at the party farting into the punchbowl, and they were like "Honey girl, you were given a cleeear ultimahtorium and you did NOT take it up. So you can go stick your posy where it's dark 'n rosy, mmmkay?" And then they sauntered off into the night to go make real boners for themselves, and to do things with those boners, to cherish and love each other's boners forever, to get married to the boners, to dip the boners in bronze and put them on the mantle, to grow old with the boners and die right next to them, knowing they'd lived a good, bonerfull life together.
Boys: DONE. But there was one more element to the whole plan. Blair. They wanted Blair to be upset with Strafeena for some reason, so they did a thing where Blair and Chuck are.... oh god I can't even get into it. The plot line was so immensely stupid it's not even worth talking about. Basically Blair wanted to get into a middle-aged lady club for idiots so she has to be good and Chuck has this new PR lady who was like "You have to be bad so we can book hotel rooms", so you see where they ran into a problem? In the end they figured it out somehow, who cares it's really dumb, and the lady PR girl walked up to them and was like "Since people saw you kissing, room bookings are up 500 percent! Also, I'm being sent to a home for brain damage victims!" Yeah, people saw them kissing, and it was all fake-Serena's fault. Marian Seldes's arch enemy Katie Cassidy pulled back a curtain at the costume party while Blair and Chuck were kissing, thus exposing their mouth-fucking to the rest of the hedonists at the costume gala and it was........... Oh, brother. I have no idea. Honestly. The Blair/Chuck thing? I'M OVER IT. So what? Who cayuhs? I'm very Joy Behar about the whole thing.
Serena's dead, basically. The boys are off exploring each other's boners. The Dean of Nosiness got a sext saying that Serena was quitting Columbia, so of course it's official. Blair thinks Serena did bitchy things to her. OH AND. Haha. This is the best part. Serena actually IS DEAD. The coup de grâce of Katie Cassidy's whole plan was that she put chloroform in Serena's costume mask so that when Serena put it on, she fell into a deep, deathly sleep. Then Katie got her in a cab and drove her out to Hobo Alley and then left her for dead. Actual thing that happened. Katie Cassidy chloroformed Serena and then kidnapped her, essentially. Good character. Well done, everyone. So it was really funny to see that happen, with Serena all "Uhhuuhhuhhhhhh" in the back of the cab.
And it was really funny to see Erik all upset about Serena! I don't really remember why he was mad at her himself, but he talked to his momz and his momz was all "She quit school, fucked every teacher that walked, got drunk at the costume jig, and now she's blowing a hobo on Drifter Lane. It's just like your sister." Erik nodded his peachfuzz head and said "Yup. Just like her." Then he went upstairs and there was his newly long-haired boytrick, the one from the Assassins episode last season. Remember him? Horsey mane of hair, face full of bones, round pond eyes. I like to think his name is Gideon, that he plays polo on long swaths of impossibly green grass in secret corners of Long Island, that he takes Erik's cheek in his big hand and kisses Erik's forehead and whispers into the skin "It's going to be all right. It's going to be all right." And even though nothing is particularly troubling Erik at the moment — who cares about Serena, she always lands on her feet — it's still nice to hear. It's going to be all right. And then Erik meets Gideon's mouth with his and they lean into oblivion together, like Nate and Dan across the river, like Vanessa and her dreadful harpies two (though, Jenny and Vanessa did not know about the whole murderous chloroform thing), like Lily and Rufus in their weeping, rumply sexual embrace.
And at the end — when Gideon is lying panting and smiling, Erik smoking his Gauloise, a thin trickle of dawn light seeping in through the window — the whole city will feel safe from scheming. How open and bare and naked and exposed it is! How truthful we all are like this! Lying in heaps, tangled of limb, hair a fright. Eyes wide open. Mistaking the ceiling, perhaps, just then, for a tiny piece of pearly, popcorn heaven.
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| MissBovari | Дата: Четверг, 28.04.2011, 01:28 | Сообщение # 6 |
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Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
| Gossip Girl: Things to Do in Queens When You’re Dead
Last night was the worst Thanksgiving ever! Not only was Blair wearing a 1983 Waffle House plastic tablecloth as a dress, but Serena was basically ruined as a human being. No one trusts or likes her anymore. Or do they?
It's been a little while since we last saw our beloved gossip stinks, so I'll refresh your memory as to what's gone and happened. Lee Strasberg's gender-switched ghost, Katie Cassidy, had drugged Serena at a party and put her in a taxicab express to Hobotown (Queens), after she, Vanessa, and Jenny effectively ruined Serena's relaties with Nate and Dan, her friendship with Blair, and her enrollment status at Columbia School for the Blonde. That's where we stood! Serena slurring off in some cab, destination unknown, a wicked grin on Meisner specialist Katie Cassidy's expressive face.
So what became of Serena? Well, for a while no one knew. Blair assumed that the soggy celery was home with Lily Snitserwittsen, sulking and sucking her perfect, bejeweled thumb. Lily, the New York City area's best mom, had no idea where her daughter might be, but she hoped maybe she was with Blair, hiding out for a while because of the whole quitting Columbia thing. Oh but it was the worst assuming on both of their parts because, no, in fact, Serena was neither place. Serena was neither place at all.
Where she was was the famous Booze Bottle Motel, a place in Queeeennsssss!!! where they put a lot of mostly empty booze bottles in your room and then scatter some pills around so you can really be present with the whole gritty milieu. It's mostly for gossip girls who want to slum it. Anyway, there is where Serena woke up, all moany and sex-noisy, confused, knocking over pills and bottles, making more sex noises, and then calling 911 to tell them she didn't know where she was (but she suspected it might be in Queeeensss!!!!) and could they please send a car. Which, haha. Right. OK. I don't know. Whatever. Call me crazytimes, but if I woke up with a nasty hangover in a strange place, I don't necessarily think that my first thought would be to call the police for rescue. Sadly I'd probably feel deep shame for myself, try to find my shoes, and scurry the fuck out of there. You know what I'm saying? I guess I would figure that I got myself into the mess, so it was my deal to get myself out of the mess. But maybe that's just me! Maybe the proper thing to do is, yes, call the police. So good job Serena. Kids, if you ever wake up feeling woozy in a motel room, especially one you fear might be in darkest Queens, you call the police right away. Don't search for your underpants and wallet in a vain attempt to recover from the night before, don't stumble to an ATM and hail a cab and try to forget it all happened as the borough fades in the window behind you. Just call 911 and let them deal with it. That's what you do, you hear me?
So that's what Serena did, meaning her family all got the terrible news that she was in the hospital on Thanksgiving. And... wait, what? Serena has been banged up in the Booze Bottle Motel (three storefronts down from the Choir Girl Motel, I'm pretty sure) for TWO WEEKS? Good friending and parenting, everyone. Nicely done. There was this hilarious part where Erik was talking to his mom about Serena and he was like "I'm sure she's OK, she hasn't returned my calls, but I'm sure she's OK" and then Blair came over and was like "No, I haven't heard from her, I thought she was with you" and Erik said "OK, now I'm worried." Oh now you're worried, Erik? The previous two weeks that you haven't heard from your sister since you saw her stumbling around at a party were just like whatever, but NOW you're worried. Excellently done everyone. Way to keep track of your shit. So yeah, it is exceedingly bizarre that Serena has been dead in Queens for two weeks before anyone really gets anxious about it and also that we still have no idea what exactly Serena was doing in said motel room and with whom, but whatever. The important things is that they got her out of filthy Queens and into a nice white person hospital on the Upper East Side and now she'll be safe. Or will she??
See, the doctor at the hospital found some no-no pills in Serena's tummy so they think she has a drugs problem, meaning she needs to get sent to a white folks' home for a while to recuperate. They have reason to commit her against her will or something, so it's up to Lily, who's proven herself a caring and responsible mother, to make the decision. Should Serena be locked up in the Sedgwick Family Memorial Wealth Sanitarium? Should she be allowed to go free, like a slurring Elsa the cub? Decisions!! They are very hard. Blair thinks that Serena should be committed, because she's seen Serena get like this before and she doesn't like where it leads (mainly it leads to Nate and Serena having sex parties, which Blair thinks is gross and sad). Lily is kindaaa leaning that way too. Rufus had his hand stuck in a vending machine so he couldn't weigh in, Erik was trying to find a doctor or orderly who at least vaguely resembled Noah Wyle, and Dan... Dan was unhappy. He loves his stepsister so, loves to put his parts in her parts so very much, that he just can't imagine the poor dear locked up in the keep or tower of some crumbling castle high in the east 80s. So he is adamantly anti-incarceration. But while there is some disagreement about what fate will befall Serena, everyone can agree that she is troubled and doing bad things. Or is she??
Well obviously WE know she isn't. We know that Dame Katie Cassidy has been doing wicked things to her for weeks now. You know who else sorta knows that? My friend Jennifricka, who breezed into town from Hudson-on-Hudson after hearing that Serena had been found in an outer borough consorting with Moors and other dusky folk. See, that was going too far! Jenny is perfectly happy ruining Serena's friendships and dating life, but sending her to Queeeens!! to mingle with ethnics??? NO. That is too much. So she hopped on the Amtrak's Regretliner regional service and was down in Manhattan in a jiffy. She told Vanessa that she was going to tell everyone what they did because it was the right thing to do and Vanessa was like "Awww hellllllll naw," and ran and told Ruf the Goof that it was all JENNY. Ha ha. Isn't Vanessa the best? And doesn't she make so much sense? You know, turning from a normal-ish character into a raging monster in like... an episode? She's so awesome. I hope she stays on the show! But will she???
We'll get to that huge question in a bit, but first, yes, everyone was mad at Jenny because Vanessa told everyone it was her fault, and then Jenny was like "No, no, it's Katie Cassidy, it's not me, it's her!" and Ruf shook his head and said "I'm not Vanessa's mom or Katie Cassidy's mom, I'm your mom. And as your mom I tell you to leave this place. Leave this place forever." So Jenny was effectively been given the heave-ho. She just needs to settle one more score before she goes. That involved, oh I dunno, just telling Blair the truth of what happened after finding Katie Cassidy's apartment all empty and moved-outy. Yeah, see Katie Cassidy knows that she got the full revenge she was supposed to get and then some, so it's time to hightail it outta there, to go someplace where the gossip girls will never look for her. Queens, probably. But first she had to see her brother to tell him the good news. Only it wasn't good news! The brother kind of freaked the geek when he heard about the drugging and whatnot, that was going too far, and Katie Cassidy had to be all "Look, brother dear, this isn't just about you anymore, etc. etc." And it was totally Katie Cassidy's Acting Moment. That's the Emmy reel, guys. It's a wrap. I mean, it was fun to see someone actually act on the show, especially someone like three-time Irene Ryan ACTF award recipient Katie Cassidy. But yeah, she's on her own now, brotherdear is mad at her, so she skipped off into the shadows never to be seen again. Until next week. (And a later scene where we saw that she's still bribing Lily about the mysterious boarding school thing, so snerf, whatever.)
Meanwhile Serena was beginning to doubt her own goodness, because Katie Cassidy had sent a BLAST, a Gossip Girl BLAST, to the Gossip Girl Blast, that was blasted everywhere, that showed what looked like Serena — same bobble blonde head, same mask, same strange curvature of the spine — doing cocaines at the party where she disappeared. If she didn't remember doing cocaine, then what else didn't she remember? Maybe she really is a secret drug addict! This sad realization came to her while she was at The Loft, because Dan sneaked her out of rehabs so they could gae all puddle-eyed at each other and fall in love all over again. "It was you I was coming to kiss," Serena said, "Only you." Dan's pants ripped in the groin area and he said "Uhhummmmmm." Then the blast came in, Serena figured she really is a secret druggie, and then they kissed, and then she was led off to the cracker cabinet, like a mumbling Blanche at the end of Streetcar. (A role Katie Cassidy played, to much acclaim, a Jefferson Award even, at the Goodman in 1986, opposite Will Patton's oddly polished Stanley.) So poor Serena is nobly interred, Dan is nobly bonered, and Katie Cassidy has already put miles between her and the problem.
Except that you can never discount Jenny Humphrey! Never can! She found the mask and the empty apartment and somehow this was proof of what had happened, so she went to Blairwonka of all people and was like "B-rocks, we got a problem, it wum Katie Cassidy what did all this, yes the Katie Cassidy." Blair said she was right to have banished Jenny to Mantua-on-Hudson and we all groaned at that old business and Jenny wrinkled her raccoon eyes and then, with a glimmer of black light, she disappeared into a seam, flitted out a window, evaporated up into the sky. She is gone. As is Vanessa, at least for now. Jenny sent her a text message basically saying "Ya burnt" and Vanessa was all "Gullllllllp" so she called her momz and was like "I'm coming to the kibbutz." Goodbye girls! Safe travels! May we never see your crispy hair again!
Blair went to Dan of all people (seriously Stephanie Savage, when are these two gonna complete the incest circle and do it already?) and was like "Let's get that Katie Cassidy bitch," so get her they will. Oh they will. Or will they??? Yes, they will, next week. Oh OK..
Um. Oh, ha ha ha ha. Sad things. There was this whole nonsense plot line with Nate and his sad dad in the hoosegow and about how Nate's mom Frostina, mistress of ice, is going to dibborce him. Dibborce!!! Nate is so sad — is it his fault? will he have to move? can he keep his pet turtle? does this mean his parents don't love him anymore? — and really wants his parents to stay together, so he organized a meet-and-greet for them at the prison, just one meet and greet, and that was all Frostina needed for her heart to melt. "I'd been talking to a lawyer for months and thinking about this for longer, years even, but you know what? Seeing your dad one time, in prison, for fifteen minutes, really changed all that. Thanks, Nate." Nate beamed happily and flopped his hair around, he fiddled with his phone, wanting to call Dan so he could fiddle with Dan's.... phone, but he couldn't, so he just skipped off merrily into the night, not really letting sink in what the prison guard had told him, that Nate's dad is up for parole and the family man image will help his case. So clearly Nate's dad is still a jerkmonger and he's just puhtending to be into his stupid smooth plastic family. Once he gets outta the clink, he'll be robbin' the elderly and chasin' Canal Street cooch 'til the cows come home. Just you wait.
So that was basically that. It was the Thanksgiving episode, like I mentioned, so there were lots of amber-tinted shots of uneaten turkeys, of pies pumpkin and other. There was also a lot of wistful music in this episode, was there not?? So much sad man plinky-plunking. It really does a number on a wine-soaked heart. I found myself swept up into a strange emotional haze at the end of the episode, Thanksgiving montage and all, cheerfully mournful music and the like. Dan staring out at the roaring city, hoping Serena would be OK, and thinking too about Nate visiting the prison, thinking about a little corner cell by the window, where they could just... be... together, free from the pressures and mores of the outside world. Lily was sobbing into her Riesling about what a miserable goddamned parent she is, and Rufus tried to put on his best disagreeing sweater, but not even that could do the trick. Lily is a terrible, no good mother, and he didn't have the strength to lie and tell her otherwise. Later they were all huddled together in Serena's well-appointed room at the Ostroff Center for Addled White People, and they ate frencha fries, and Lily hugged her blurry daughter and it was a new kind of tradition, a new holiday, Thanksgiving as rebirth, a strange, invented solstice.
And elsewhere, you know. There were turkeys carved and glasses poured and secrets buried and tongues bitten and laughs caught and released. Families, by blood or by bond, sat down and shared a meal and everyone was everyone, sturdy inside themselves as best they could be that day, listening to stories, telling old jokes, once again content but also strangely frightened to be a person who has people, someone who has so very much to lose. But ah well, those thoughts were chased out and it was onto seconds. Sometimes the best thing in life, the only thing, is to take another helping.
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| MissBovari | Дата: Четверг, 28.04.2011, 01:29 | Сообщение # 7 |
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Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
| Gossip Girl: The Haunting of Connecticut
Ahhh sweet resolution! Well, almost resolution. The half-season arc of Whatever Happened to Baby Serena is finally drawing to a close, and last night some answers were finally dragged kicking and screaming into the light.
You may remember that at the end of last week's episode, Teeny, Miko, and the gang got stuck in the abandoned glass factory Dan and Blair made a strange alliance in the hopes of hunting down their favorite actress, Katie Cassidy, and murdering her for what she's done to their shimmering star idol, Serena. Serena was curled up in a ball, rocking and back and forth, saying "Unclean... unclean... unclean..." over at the Ostroff Center for White People Boo-Boos, and they wanted their friend back. The only way they knew to save her was to set of on an adventure and return with Katie Cassidy's heart in a wooden box and feed it to Serena, thus hopefully undoing whatever hexes, charms, or curses had been placed upon her. So they set off!
Except, sigh, they had no idea where to go. For a while they just wandered around town muttering her name, mostly near respected avant garde theaters, as that's where an actress of Katie Cassidy's quality is likely to hang out in New York. But that was to no avail. Oh where could she be! They looked under beds and in closets and behind the creepy furnace in the basement, but she was nowhere, just nowhere, to be found. What were Blair and Dan to do! Ohhhhhhhh. I knowwww. They were to turn to the internet, the magical tragical device that can tell you where things are in an instant. Blair got out her computer and yelled at it "Katie Cassidy!!!!" but nothing happened. Dan shook his head and laughed, Blair clearly had never used a computer before. He knew what to do. He took a photo of Katie Cassidy and stuck it in the CD drive. And yet, nothing happened. Embarrassed, Dan backed away from the computer and he and Blair stood there for a long, long time trying to figure out how else to use it. And then suddenly it struck them like Donna's boyfriend in Palm Springs: GOSSIP GIRL. That's the name of the show they were on, and she's a real person or something, so they could ask her!! Blair went to go get her magic eight ball, but Dan stopped her and said "No, we can ask her on the computer."
Blair had absolutely no idea what Dan could possibly be talking about so she watched in amazement as he made the computer glow with light and then typed some things on the letter-piano or whatever that thing was and up came a thing where he could send a note right to Gossip Girl! Dan typed "Hay GoozipGurl, it'S DAn and blare at blare's house are u free to ansir our kweschun: whear is Katie Cassadee?" Blair was, despite herself, impressed by Dan's computer skills and all around cunning. Maybe he wasn't the dough-faced nincompoop she'd always thought him to be. A few awkward minutes of ticking silence passed until the computer sang a little tweety-bird song and there was a response to Dan's carefully and intricately worded computer message. It read: "293 Cornish Game Hen Avenue. Go get the bitch and bring her liver back for me. Yours in most holy bloodthirst, Erik, I mean Gossip Girl! Gossip Girl! This isn't Erik! I'm not Gossip Girl! I mean, Erik isn't Gossip Girl! Shit, why am I typing this?" Dan and Blair clapped their hands and hugged each other and Dan's lips brushed over Blair's hair and an odd charge pulsed through him, his knees buckling a bit, but he shook it off and it was time to find Cornish Game Hen Avenue and see what secrets, and possibly what villains, lay there.
As only a few people know, Dan's father Rufus used to be a clown in the British gay circus, and after that great old show — with its mangy old lion, its vaudeville dancers, its death-defying erotic trapeze — was shut down by the cruel, coal-eyed Margaret Thatcher, Rufus was given the clown car as a reward for his many years of loyal service. And he's kept it to this day! It's a little gay British clown car that's shaped like a butler. In the spirit of the circus's long tradition of charity, he let his son borrow the car for his little roadtrip with Blairwonka. So they hopped into the tiny automobile and drove North, faster and faster, headed to some arctic wild known only as "Connecticut." Specially, a place called Cornwall, Connecticut where Cornish Game Hen Avenue ends and the next phase of their search begins. On the way up, Blair complained about the size of Dan's car and suddenly Dan cared, for the first time, that Blair thought his car was small. "It's perfectly average size," he whined. "Bigger than average, actually. Statistically speaking. In Asia they have tiny cars." Blair wasn't impressed, or maybe she was pretending, and they drove the rest of the way to Cornwall in silence — wending down forest roads, the stands of pine tress getting thicker and thicker, blocking out the light, so far and deep into the wood that even the birds stopped singing, there was only the sound of the trees creaking and groaning in the wind.
When they finally got to the address given to them by the ancient and mysterious Erik Gossip Girl, it was a big mansion with lots of fancy cars parked outside. What? Katie Cassidy is secretly rich? Then why on Earth would she pretend to be poor? That's not how it works! Intrigued, they just up and let themselves into the house, because sure, and what they found shocked them indeed. There were kids, lots of them, teenagers and early collegers, and they were having a party. With Beirut playing and weed smoking and cocaine snorting and one shirtless dude with a cigarette chatting up some chippies (weird work day for that extra, right?). It was suburban rich kid hedonism at its finest, parentless abandon coupled with ski mountain sun-bleached blonde hair, the kind of party that the poor boys living in the post-war bungalows across the railroad tracks can only dream of, their cots squeaking and squeaking as they think fitfully of girls named Heather and Allison.
So it was a rich-kid rager of a jamboree, but something didn't quite feel right. "Katie Cassidy would never have this kind of party," Dan declared. Blair, for some reason, was inclined to agree. "Well, Gossip Girl never said that this was her house, just that this was a place to start looking..." So mysterious! (And what of this message written on Blair's snitch: "I open at the close"? What does that mean? #nerdville) And then they saw him. And they knew why they were there. They gazed upon his suede skin and his hair, as thick as a collie's. There he was: that villain, that trout. That dastard, that bastard, that sex palace built of flesh and bone. Yes, it was the kid from Air Bud. Hahaha!! What is he doing at a teenager party in the deepest wilds of Connecticut? Oh, you know, he's selling drugs there, of course. Plus he went to boarding school at Ravensbrook, right nearby. At the mention of that name a lightbulb went off in Blair's head. Of course. Serena had lived here, here in Cornwall! After she shtupped Nate and was cast out of New York, she was sent here to attend Ravensbrook. And the kid from Air Bud was her classmate. Amazing. "To Godric's Hollow!" she yelled. (No she didn't. #nerdcityusa)
Then there was a series of flashbacks to those heady days, with Serena drinking absinthe and putting on plays with Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec and other wild things. And the kid from Air Bud was her totes crushing on her nerdy tutor, if you can ever imagine the kid from Air Bud ever being a nerd! So Serena was a wild child in boarding school too, except... except when she was with a teacher, a beloved young teacher who had her read Madame Bovary and Fear of Flying and Tropic of Cancer and then he was shocked when Serena tried to entice him into bedding her at a B&B on a rainy night across state lines. And do you know who that teacher was? Yes, it was Rufus. Ha, no! No. No. It was, duhhhhh 5000, Katie Cassidy's jailbird brother. Somethin' statutory had allegedly gone down and the guy got thrown in the clink, even though he'd been the responsible gentleman teacher and said "No, no. I'm going to go fix the car tire so we can get home, you sit there and read those Sappho poems I assigned you." Hence the revenge plot. Hence Katie Cassidy's terrible wheelings and/or dealings.
Speaking of Katie Cassidy, she spotted Dan and Blair in Cornhole! Yep! See, Dan's car is mayyyybe not the most inconspicuous thing on the road, so they weren't terribly hard to spot. In a panic, Katie floored it back to Manhattan, determined to settle her shit with Serena once and for all. She told her brother this and he got scared, scared that she was going to do something too drastic again (you'll remember that the brother was mad when his sister drugged Serena). And it just so happened that Nate was at the jail for a conjugal visit so the brother yelled at Nate "Warn the Duke! And Serena!!!!!" Nate tore out of there like it was a fetish club on police raid night, determined to do some rescuing. Meanwhile in Connecticut, all the pieces had come together, the kid from Air Bud had been the one to sell Katie Cassidy all of her wicked drugs, including ether! Hahah, ether. What do Serena van der Woodsen and Michael Caine's character in The Cider House rules have in common? Both will eventually die from ether. Also, both run houses full of orphaned children in coastal Maine, though Serena's isn't exactly a benevolent organization.
So anyway. As we all know, the Ostroff Center for White People Maintenance is a supermax facility, so Katie Cassidy just walked right into Serena's suite, plopped herself on a couch, and waited there, in the dark, like a creeper. Eventually Serena strolled in, after a particularly satisfying therapy session in which she learned that she's a vain and useless person, and then click! went the light, and there was fearsome Clytemnestra herself, Katie Cassidy, and she was there to settle a score. Except, ha, in typical Gossip Girl fashion, the feud was over in three seconds because Serena was like "I didn't file charges against your brother" and then the scene cut to Lily.
Lily! Lilyyyyy. Lily's character emerged a bit late this episode, but it ended up being all about her. She's so poised and cool and blonde and glittery like glass. Nothing can touch Lily. Or at least she'd like you to think that. Of course everything touches her like everything touches anyone, she's just a human being like you and me, she poops and farts and burps and picks her nose just like the rest of us hideous muckmonsters. But she projects a veneer of anusless magic and grace, and she will do anything in her power to protect that pale light show. Anything like take some random gossiping girls' rumahz about a teacher and a student at a faraway boarding school and make it a real thing, bring it up to school administrators, get the man fired and put in jail, forge an affidavit with her daughter's signature, pay off a stranger to keep the whole thing silent, murder a witness under a bridge, grabbing his neck from behind, choking him, saying "Sshh shhh shhh" and stroking his head as he dies. These are just things that Lily does to protect her Lily Whitism. She is also doing another terrible thing, as was revealed this episode. She and Chuck had been spending a lot of time together working on Bass Industries and, yup you guessed it, Chuck fucked Lily like a jackhammer right there on the family's glass waffle table. OH GOD NO. Oh that was so gross. I'm sorry. No, no. The real secret is that Lily has been planning to sell Bass Industries before Chuck has a chance to get his hands back on it. Which is a terrible thing to do to your cheating, lying, lothario stepson. Just a terrible thing.
At the end of the episode all of these Lily white lies came out and she stood there, piddling herself, while everyone stared and yelled and shook their heads and stuffed their fists into their mouths to choke out the sobs and wails (that was Rufus) and in the end everyone left her. Lily, standing there, in her palace of silver and glass, with her perfect ice blonde hair arranged in a softly swooping yet tightly bound updo. Poor Lily. Poor luminous Lily. What will she do? Well, I assume she'll be somewhat exonerated, at least on the Serena/teacher front. Remember in the flashback where Serena was all drunk and using nerdy Air Bud to get her way? Well, I think there was something there and that maybe Air Bud had something to do with everything awful happening, because she used to be mean to him. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but... I don't know. That's hows I sees it.
Oh, yeah, so. Our final scenes: A prison interrogation room, our shamed teacher sits there, waiting for someone, not sure who. The door opens. It's shambling old willowbeast Serena. She's crying. His eyes well up. "I have to talk to you..." she mumblemoans. "I don't know what to say..." teacher says. They stare at each other, watery eyed. And over in Brooklyn, two people gazed at each other the same way, realizing they'd be the only ones around for Christmas. Blair and Dan. Could it finally be happening, after all these years? Oh gosh I think so. So they regarded each other, strange new warmth in their hearts, and the lights faded to black for now, our gay clown circus over for the evening. (And until next year maybe?) So everything will hang in limbo and suspense until we meet again.
Meanwhile, up there somewhere in Connecticut, the parties will rage on. And kids will take too-big gulps of warm beer and the walls will tilt and become the ceiling for a moment, but they'll right themselves again and kids will continue on. Kids will burn their throats with shitty weed and soak their heads with excellent weed and feel the first spidery bits of Knowledge invading their brains. Kids will topple onto each other in overstuffed bedrooms and they will smell like sweat and shampoo and they will giggle and feel special and alone in the world for, oh, five or so minutes. And kids will tear the house down, break plates and glasses, precious heirlooms. Kids will run out onto the wide back lawn when they see a tangerine dawn sliding up over the lake and the trees, and they'll yell at the sky, having beaten the night, and behind them the lights of the house will seem cozy but faraway. And kids will dance to music, grind to beats, throw hands up at choruses, belch and yell and push each other, laugh and whisper, grow and regress.
Because that's just what Connecticut is for — a green place to pass the time before you get to where you are going.
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| MissBovari | Дата: Четверг, 28.04.2011, 01:29 | Сообщение # 8 |
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Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
| Gossip Girl: The Plots Re-Thicken
Everyone's favorite youth Kabuki troupe has finally returned to the airwaves after a long winter's nap. How did we find our friends? Wholly changed? Born anew? Some! Some are different! Others remain, alas, mostly the same.
You'll remember, I hope, that when we last saw Serena doing her vanilla pudding-filled bone dance, she had resolved things with the late Katie Cassidy, posthumous winner of the Nobel Prize for acting, and was on a mission to get her old high school teacher, Professor J.J. Studentfondler, out of the clink. He was in there because Lily had found out that he and Serena had some kind of special relationship so she made up sex charges against him and then signed Serena's name on the affidavit, because she is a jerk. So Serena was determined to spring Mr. Vaginacuddle from the pen, and was soooo mad, so effing mad, at her terrible mother. She vowed to never speak to her again. Until January 24th, at least!
Yeah, of course they were forced to talk a little last night, with Lily not really apologizing for the past, but saying that she'd work things out with the future. Serena didn't really believe her, rolling her cantaloupe ball eyes in her Bakelite skull and going plotting with her half-brother, Chuck Buckles. Chuckles is also mad at Lily because she is trying to sell Bass Fisheries & Hotel Concern out from under him. It was unclear why Lily was doing such a terrible thing, but oh she was doing it all right. She was doing it very, very hard, right in front of Chuck. And he could not take it.
So Serena and Chuck made a decision. They'd find some proof that Lily has forged a signature on a legal document that ultimately sent an innocent man to Abu Ghraib for forty-six years and then blackmail her with it. Ben would get out of prison, Bass Fishstink LTD wouldn't be sold, and Lily would have to do it some more in front of Chuck. It was a good plan! Too bad someone dumped a bucket of wrenches into it. A bucket of 'em.
First off, Chuck met a new girl on the show, one who had very dark hair and a really deep tan. Wasn't that weird? I mean, everyone on Gossip Girl, with the exception of the cavewoman Vanessa and one of Blair's high school friends, has been possessed of perfect porcelain skin. And then this girl show's up last night and she has been hitting the tanning bed! She must use a tanning bed like a regular bed, because she is dark! So yeah, Chuck met her in the lobby of a spaceport or whatever that building was, and he was trying to talk to her boss, who was a friend of his dad's and supposedly the one buying Bass Motorcoaches, and was very rude to her and she was all "He's not here yet." Luckily for everyone, though, he was coming in from his native Chicago to throw his annual "Hello, New York!" afternoon party (because black tie parties are coolest in the afternoon), so Chuck could talk to him there and, luckily, everyone else in the cast would be there too, because of course they would.
Meanwhile Serena was flitting and farting around town, talking to Dan about how maybe they should get together or something, but not really talking about it. She also talked to Blair about what she'd done over winter break, which included buying a sparkling cowboy hat so she could talk to the judge who helped Lily forge Serena's signature. See she bought the hat because the judge was riding horses on his farm or something. Which makes sense. Everyone who rides horses on the East Coast fancies themselves a cowboy and wears the appropriate accoutrement. That's just what moneyed, East Coast equestrian culture is like. (If Serena had actually scored a meeting with Justice Hootenanny, she was planning on developing a meth habit and dropping her kids off at their aunt's in Cheyenne before zooming off in a pickup truck never to return again, just to get the full contemporary cowboy persona going.) Blair was unimpressed. Really, Blair wasn't paying much attention because she had a sssseeeecret.
The secret was way more mild than I thought it might be, but it does promise interesting things for the future. You see, as it turns out, over the break Blair and Dan made wild baboon love to one another, screaming each other's name in pained ecstasy, climaxing so hard Dorota's baby started crying all the way in Queens went to a French movie together, and, it seems, actually had a decent time together. So now they're not really sure how to act around each other, because it is weird, this not hating each other thing. I for one LOVE IT. I never thought I'd be so gushy about a plotline on this show (that didn't involve Erik and Dan slow waltzing and sharing a tender kiss as a soft snow fell and Nate ice skated on a lonely winter pond, weeping crystal blue tears), but here it is, and I'm lovin' it™. I mean, it's going to devolve into grossness, of course it will, because Dan is a really gross character (not to say that Penn Badgley is gross, not after how charming he was in Easy A) and it's just going to be awkward to watch them smoosh. But smoosh they will, I think, by season's end. And the lead up will be exciting to watch. Then we just need Serena to sleep with Chuck and I think we'll have covered all our bases, right? Then everyone will have slept with everyone? (Vanessa/Chuck, Vanessa/Nate, Vanessa/Dan. Blair/Nate, Blair/Chuck, Blair/Dan. Serena/Nate, Serena/Dan, Serena/Chuck.) That'd be it! Of course Erik has the weirder sex records complete already — Erik/Bart Bass, Erik/Rufus/Dorota's husband, Erik/Wallace Shawn, Erik/Erik, Erik/Around-the-way-trick on East 127th, etc.) — but the main characters finally completing the full incest cycle will be pretty interesting. Come on, writers, you can do it! I believe in you! (I do not believe in you.)
So, OK, where was I? Oh yeah, so. Rufus and Lily had a little brunch thing and Serena was mad that they were there and she yelled at them and stormed out, so did Erik, and Dan just sat there making strange banjo sounds with his mouth. Lily was sad. But what could she do? Later Dan was supposed to meet Serena before his big literary internship meeting, but she stood him up, and his new secret friend (though they weren't admitting it to each other yet) Blair did not approve of Serena's behavior. She wasn't quite sure what this new, electric blue urgency she was feeling inside of her was, but all of a sudden she knew that it was not a good thing to be mean to Dan, poor sweet future failed writer Dan. She hated Serena for her breezy blonde forgetfulness, knew for a brief blitz of a second before she pushed it out of her head that if she could just get her arms around Dan once, she'd never let his warm firmness go. Never ever, never ever.
But this was not proper! So she didn't do it. Instead, everyone went to the party. Serena and Chuck were ready for their silly Lily dilly, as they'd found a xeroxed copy of the smoking affidavit in Lily's seeeeecret family safe, where she keeps nude pictures (apparently), copies of illegal affidavits (always want to make copies of those), and the key to her vault at Gringotts. "Jackpot!!" Serena and Chuck had yelled, slapping five and almost twining fingers. It was beginning, the Master Plan, the end all and be all, the ceasing of days, the congress of the sun. Or something. Oh, right, so Serena had the bad note in an envelope and Chuck was all ready to go but then he had an impromptu talk with Lils about the bills, and she was all "We broke, homes! Bass Fireworks Company has been really hit hard by the fireworks recession, and it is the best thing for us to sell." Chuck nodded his head and he understood. Lily was looking out for his best interests. So he told Serena to take a chill pill and wait a day to springing her manila envelope trap. So they waited a day and that day was the day of the afternoon mixer, hosted by another tanned person played by Michael Boatman.
Chuck went right over to talk to him about how he is purchasing the company and, uh oh, he was not actually the buyer! But if he was the buyer, Boatman said, he'd tear the company apart and sell it for scrap, because Bart Bass was an old jerk and this would be fitting revenge. Chuck gulped and widdled himself a little and ran off to find Serena. Serena was busy talking to Dan about various things, like how she tries to cover up her innate egg salad smell with heavy perfume but then just ends up smelling like a makeup counter employee's lunch, so what's the point. Also she told Dan about her stupid plan, and Dan frowned and, when she wasn't looking, switched his internship application, also in a manila envelope (it's just what the kids carry around these days), with her affidavit xerox. Then some confusion and silliness happened and Lily's actual deal fell through and Serena tried to give the document to a reporter, but obvs it was the wrong one, so Lily wasn't sent to the slammer, but she and Serena are pretty broken, so that is sad for them. Meanwhile, Bastardly Boatman announced that he's moving back to New York, and that he has his sights on Bass Crop Dusting & Daycare Centers. His daughter — who turned out to be the tanned girl that Chuck was rude to! — seduced Chuckles later on at the bar and so complications will arise, of course.
Serena went to the prison to see Ben and was told he'd been let out on early parole, as per the orders of a judge. Lily had talked to the judge, not to protect herself, but to get Ben out! See, she is not such a monster after all. I mean, she sent an innocent man to prison for several years, but who hasn't done that? (Sorry, Mumia!) Ben was all "I was just waiting for the bus, but.... wanna hang out?" So Serena said "Oh, well, normally I have work tonight, here at the corner by the prison exit, but sure... I'll go smoosh, I mean have coffee, with you." So off they dittered into the night. Later (earlier? I can't remember) Serena and Dan had some conversation that was basically like "We like each other, but we're busy," or something. Was that the gist of that convo? I couldn't tell.
Dan, meanwhile, ended up at Blair's house (oh, Blair had a whole boring plotline about trying to get an internship that was a total snoozefest) and said that he was going to a French movie and... well, if she... y'know... and Blair said yes. Yes, she would like to strip all of his clothes off right then and there, to have him take her right there on top of the grand piano, to shatter the crystal stemware with the sound of their engorged moans and guttural hollers, to fall into a sweaty, naked, pheromone heap on top of each other, panting and heaving go to the movie with him. So off they went, a new thing dawning. Next week they end up at the same internship, so welcome to Smoosh City, population Dan and Blair. I really can't believe how much I'm looking forward to it.
That was basically it. Oh, wait. No. Nate. Yeah, Nate had a story this week concerning his no good pops, who is out on parole but refuses to look for jobs. So Nate was feeling all upset about that, but what could he do? He tried jogging with his pops, telling his pops not to play so much Wii, basically everything a guy can do for his pops. Nothing worked. Though pops did eventually find work — with the evil Bastard Boatman! — Nate wasn't aware of that. So after the afternoon party, dejected and lonely, still slightly blurry and glowing from champagne, Nate made a phone call. "Hey, what's up? No, nothing, just here. Yeah, don't know where my dad is. Dan's off... I dunno. He went to some movie. I don't know who with. Yeah. Anyway... was just wondering if maybe you might want to come over. Watch a movie or whatever. Or whatever. You know. I don't know. You do? Oh, awesome. Great. That's awesome. I'll, uh, I'll put a bottle of something on ice. Great, great, see you in a bit."
And he tidied up the apartment quickly, checking his hair in the hallway mirror when the doorbell rang. He swung open the door and standing there, an old friend in amber light, was Erik, tuxedo still on, tie undone, hair a soft flop on his forehead. Nate grinned. "Hey. It's so good to see you." "Yeah," Erik said. Nate swallowed. "Yeah." They stood there, regarding one another. Erik smiled too.
Yeah.
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| MissBovari | Дата: Четверг, 28.04.2011, 01:30 | Сообщение # 9 |
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Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
| Gossip Girl: Special Friends
Last night on Skins' stuffy older sister, everyone was having problems with relationships. Who to trust, who to turn to, whom to seek comfort in on dark, confusing nights. What fretful, lost little creatures these kids are.
You'll remember from the past couple of weeks that Blair and Dan, our two long-dueling splinterheads, are becoming fwwwwends. Or maybe more than fwends? May fwuckbuddies? Not yet! But maybe eventually. Maybe someday. But for now, unfortunately, impediments impede their path! Namely, they were thrown into a work situation together and forced to compete. Y'see, Blair is feeling shiftless and driftful for the first time in her life. She doesn't know what to do with herself, career-wise, so she's just flouncing along. This week she decided to flounce over to W magazine, the little personal publication that former President Bush makes on the computer at the ranch in Crawford and excitedly reads aloud to Laura, because he gets too impatient when she tries to read it herself. It's just little news of the day things, headlines like "Bat Incident Scares Residents of Crawford Home" and "Study: One Out of Two Crawford Ranch Residents Would Like More Pancakes for Breakfast." Just something to keep him busy.
No! Pshaw. I'm just joshing. W magazine is a magazine for fashions and it is weirdly sized and I'm not sure what kind of people read it, but it seems as though people do, because they're still in business. Anyway, Blarvman got an intunzship there and she was super excited, because if anyone likes fashion, it's her and lots of other people. MEANWHILE, in a badger den across town, Dan was super excited because his step-mom, Lily of the Uncanny Valley, had gotten him a sweet innusship somewhere at Condé Nast, that big bad magazine publisher that, along with the cock-a-roaches, will be the only thing left after the nuclear floods. He figured that because he's a Serious Fellow and a Writer, that he'd be embedded at Parade or Hotel Chatter, two of Condé's most literary titles, so imagine his grunt-faced surprise when he found out it was Dubya and there in the intern holding pen was his newest boner donor, Blair. Yiiiiikes! This was a competitive internship, one in which only one would survive, and that girl Katniss over there looked handy with a bow and arrow, so Blarge and Dingle were super duper worried.
And basically they fought and schemed and Spy vs Spy'd each other (and the other interns — Blair made it seem like one girl served her boss perfume-tasting coffee, and the boss was like "This tastes like Chanel No. 5!!" and it had me wondering why this woman drinks so much perfume that she knows what certain brands taste like in coffee?) and eventually it came down to one big task. So of course because it's this show there was a big W party to announce their new blog (hahahahaha, right) and everyone was going to be there and the new blog was really exciting ("books, film, culture" — sounds lucrative guys! make sure you pad that out with some stories about witch politicians fooling around with dirtbags! just a pro tip) and they were going to have fabulous celebrity obsessive Lynn Hirschberg write the intro to the blog (another pro tip: blogs don't have intros, but they SHOULD have lots of pictures and videos) but then at the last minute Lynn pulled out! So Dan and Blizzard were like "Ohhh if we got cool authors to come to the party and offer to write the intro, we'd be soooo in with our boss Perfumia!!" So Dan figured he'd call up his old friend Jay McInerney and Blair, for some bizarre reason, had a line to Lorrie Moore. Lorrie Moore! I know they make lit references on this show all the time, and have maybe even made a Lorrie Moore reference before, but something about hearing the name of one of my most personally beloved authors tossed around on this show, and imagining younger viewers thinking that Lorrie Moore might show up to a W magazine blog party, it just made me feel sad and anxious. I'm sorry, Ms. Moore. I'm sorry for them.
WHATEVER. Basically what happened with this whole gumbo was that Dan assumed Blinkers was going to sabotage him so he in turn sabotaged her, calling up Lorrie Moore and saying "Yo lady, it's off." and I imagined Lorrie Moore being like "I wasn't going to leave Madison anyway, but... OK." So at the party Lorrie didn't show up and Binxy was upset and Dan was like "Well you shouldn't have sabo—" and then Jay Macs showed up and Dan was like "Gullllllp." So what happened next? Oh, you know, completely normal things like Blair smooshing Dan's face with her hand and then Dan trying to fight her off and then before you knew it they were writhing around on the ground fighting and shrieking and Perfumia walked up to them and with a great perfume belch was like "Yahhhhh fiyahhhhed!!!!!" and then she started shooting indiscriminately at the floor until Dan and Bonkers scrambled up and ran out of the building. Blair said she hated Dan again and Dan was sad and then Dan called Perfumia and was like "Yo, it was all me, give her her job back" and so Perfumia did and Blair was happy and maybe Dan and Blair's path to love has been made smooth once more. Maybe! Who knows. At least they got to writhe on the ground the once, feeling each other's warm android core heat, the brush of their slick skin like windbreakers rubbing together. Ah, romance.
OK. So also in this episode there was a whole lotta baloney about Chuck and Nate's dad. No, they were not bumpin' it. Chuck has a company called Bass Shoes, which sells sensible shoes at sensible prices, and Nate's dad's new boss wants to buy it, and Nate's dad's new boss's daughter is bumpin' it with Chuck, so as you can see it's all very complicated. As you can also see, absolutely nobody cares, so let's just move on.
SERENAAAAAAAAA. Girl you gotta get your mind right. She's still futzing around with ol' Jailbird Jimmy, trying to get his life in order. But it's been hard, very very hard. See, Lily keeps trying to give Jimmy money to keep him away and stuff and Serena keeps getting madder and madder at her mom and things are just unpleasant. Plus she totally has an enormous, Skins-sized boner for Jimmy and yet he's not really responding in kind. Which Serena is just not used to! No, usually when Serena has a huge boner sticking out of her harem pants, the boy of the moment comes a'running. But not this Jimmy, so sir. He lives in a creepy halfway house in somewhere called "Long Island City, Queens," a dangerous and Kosovoian place where scary middle-aged poors talk to Serena as if they're her equal. It's very sad for her. So she keeps trying to coax Jimmy to improve his station in life, but unfortunately Jimmy's idea of doing that is to run away to Ithaca ("I hear it's beautiful there" — Serena, on Ithaca. 1. Hahahaha 2. No, Serena, it's not beautiful. It's gorges, derrrr) to become a gardener. Serena does not like this, so she's plotting and scheming to get him to stay in New York. Just not in that horrible murderplace called Queens! Hardly fit for even a Countess, that wretched, royally named burrah. Simply ghastly.
I don't know. Eventually Jailbird's all "Sereenz, I know you have a total boner for me, I mean it's poking into me right now and I'm like two feet away from you, but I just don't feel for you that way. I'm sorry," and Serena was like "Hurrr????" and soooo upset and embarrassed. Of course Jimmy totally IS all wet for Serena, but he didn't realize that until the very end of the episode.
WHICH BRINGS US TO ERIK. Erik had some PLOTLINE this week. Someone's been reading the literally hundreds of emails I've sent to everyone with a credit on Gossip Girl!! Basically the story was this: Erik is sad. Erik is sad because he's mad at Lily and Serena's off adventuring with her Jailbird and Dan's been weird and sexually distant lately and his boyfriend Elliot (or something) broke up with him when they were in Gstaad over the wintruhtime. Poor lonely, bonely Erik. Who to turn to when you feel this particular kind of sad? Well, the kid from Air Bud, obviously. Yeah, Erik was palling around with Air Bud, the notorious drug dealer, and it was very mysterious and strange. Funny then that another person from the past came into Erik ...... 'S LIFE!!!! 'S LIFE. Came into Erik's life. God you people are dirty. But yeah, it was Jonathan! Remember him?? He was Erik's beloved boyfriend and now he's showing up again all dewy eyed and wanting to have another go-around. Erik wasn't sure about it, but he was willing to give it a try. (Maybe he'd like to sing a duet with him and see what happens?) SO.
So they went to the big party, but of course Erik totes ditched J-jers for Air Bud, because, as it turns out, Air B. was selling Erik sleeping pills for sadness and then Adderall for staying awake the next day or some business. Not good, Erik! Jonathan was all sad that Erik was ignoring him and Serena was all confused, because when she caught Erik doing something with Air Bud, Air Bud stroked Erik's cheek and was like "You want a drink, babe?" I think you could probably hear the shriek/guffaw/retch sound I made when that happened from space. It was so extremely strange and weirdly enjoyable and obviously repulsive. Basically my heart fell down a flight of stairs when I saw it and more of it needs to happen but also it needs to never happen again, ever. You feel me? So yeah, Erik was all "Umm.. yeah, we're a couple..." rather than admit to buying drugs. Only to, y'know, like five minutes later totally come clean to Rufus the Goofus about his terrible sleeping pill addiction. Ruf was all nervous and Erik was like "I'm cool..." and Air Bud skittered away into the night.
Too bad for him that Jailbird Jonny caught up with him and threw him against a wall and said "You stay away from Starleena! And her family! Including her bubble-butted baby brother! You stay away from 'em all!!" and Air Bud was like "Whoa whoa, my brother. Ease off. Ease off." Jailbird ran away, maybe to move into the loft because Rufus told him he could live there (weird), and Air Bud was like "This means war..." and called Erik on the phone and was said "Yo what's up?" and Erik was like "I'm done with pills." And Air Bud said "No, I mean, you wanna hang out, like as friends?" and Erik smiled and said yes. And I guess he headed out to see him. I guess that's what happened just after the screen went black and the credits came up.
Erik went to see Air Bud and god knows what will become of that. More cheek-stroking, maybe. More "babe," perhaps. And all the while poor Jonathan will wander lonely streets, probably mostly in Hell's Kitchen, that's where lots of those kinda folks go these days. It's funny, Jonathan will think, to reenter people's lives, to know that time isn't always a fixed and forward-pushing line. That it can be bent, renegotiated, looped around on, repaired, cured, burnt.
Those are the kinds of thoughts one has, I guess, when one is three vodka cranberries in at Vynl, and one is making eyes at the bartender, someone one saw in a show once, Altar Boyz maybe, his name is not Erik and that's all that matters tonight. And outside 9th Avenue is bleating and pounding away, and none of the lights in the restaurant are natural colors. And the bartender is looking back now one realizes, and is walking over, and all of a sudden one has trouble remembering where one has ever been before just now, just here on this stool, just leaning over a counter, just pressing one's lips, delicate but hungry, up against the wonderful future.
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| MissBovari | Дата: Четверг, 28.04.2011, 01:31 | Сообщение # 10 |
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Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
| Gossip Girl: Never Trust a Belgian
Snoooooze. Wasn't last night's episode boring? What happened? Nothing! Well, I mean, things happened, but nothing sexy, really. It was all about business and morals and, like, whether parolees should stay at your house and stuff. Who cares! Who among us hasn't answered the question of whether a parolee should live in our house a long time ago, and in our own way? These are mundane, well-trod topics people, and they do not make for exciting television. Sigh. So basically the whole thing with Serena and Gentle Ben is still going on. She has a total boner for him and he's all "I wanna eat your sushi" (because bears like fish) but at the same time, he's all dead-eyed and slightly trembly from his brutal time in the clink, so it's hard for him to open up his heart and love again. Plus there are people on all sides of him who are like "You're a monster! Stay away from everyone!!" One of these jerks is Dan, which is seriously awkward because Dan's old man Rufus has just invited Ben to come live in the Brooklyn party loft while he gets back on his feet (or until Rufus gets on his back!). Dan is really upset that he has to convert his masturbatorium back into a bedroom, plus he has to take all the posters of Nate down (Nate has lots of posters because he's a pop star in Korea) and he can't do his one-man Def Jam-style poetry slams by himself in the living room anymore, it'd be too embarrassing. So Dan is P.O.'d that Gentle Ben has come lumbering into his life like this. He's even more upset because he can see Starleena's boner for Ben from across the river, pointing up into the cloud-churned night sky like the Bat Signal. At one point Serena comes over all flouncy in a long coat and a sparkly skirt (man, she is wearing lots of shimmers and glitters and sparkles this year, huh? She really hasn't been the same since the confetti fire) and is like "Heyyyyyyy Ben" and Ben is like "Hyuunnghhhhh" and just stares at her and finally says "Pretty girl... Gentle Ben sad..." But Serena's not paying attention, she's just barreling through things and saying "Here I got you this present, it's a big ol' dildo, I mean it's a copy of The Count of Monte Cristo, because you got put in jail for something you didn't do, just like the sandwich, and also you read this to me when I was a little girl and we diddled." Gentle Ben huffed contentedly and then they ordered sushi and there was much strained conversation about sushi and they were drinking tea from an earthenware pot (love when sushi places deliver those!) and it was the happiest old Ben had been in long, long while. Until. Until shuffle scrape rattle, the loft door slid open and there was Dan, glowering, his curlicue hair bouncing on his forehead in rage. "I gotta go," mumbled Serena, her boner knocking over her stool and a vase on the mail table. "Dan, stay outta my life, k?" she chirped to Dan. Dan grumbled. Ben let out a sad roar. What to do. See this was why Dan was so upset. Remember Erik? Of course you do. Erik is the pixie fairy who shows up and does this to the cast members every once in a while and everyone feels sparkly and weird for a bit but then the feeling disappears when Erik disappears. So in this episode Erik is friends with the kid from Air Bud, name'a Air Bud, and Air Bud has it out for Ben. See Ben knows Air Bud from back home and knows that he's a nasty old rotter and he's threatened to tell Air Bud's dad all about his wicked ways if he goes anywhere near Serena and her fambly. Well, Erik counts as that fambly, but Air Bud just can't stay away from Erik. (Not for the sexy reasons that Erik desperately wishes for as he scans Air Bud's Facebook page late at night, wanting so desperately to be one of the tube-topped chippies snug under his arm in one of the photos.) See Air Bud wants to use Erik to get rid of Ben. If he and Erik can convince Ben's parole officer that he's gone bad again, then it's goodbye Ben and hellooo easy street for Air Bud (and maybe, just maybe, helloooo snuggle street for Erik). Anyway, they figure the best way to take Ben down is to be in cahoots with the guy what done lives with Ben. Enter: Dan! That's why Dan is all upset when he comes back to his party loft and finds Ben and Serena giggling and rolling around on the floor, rubbing wasabi all over each other's faces, reeking of fish, rice in their hair, soy sauce dribbling out of the corners of their eyes. He's just been told many bad things about Gentle Ben, namely that he threatened Air Bud, so he wants the dude out. But he's too polite to just say it. So after Serena left, pieces of yellowtail and salmon falling out of her clothing, Dan went all passive aggressive with Ben, bitching about dishes and stuff. It was pretty great! Dan is such a mean old cat. Then Dan saw that Ben was getting a call from his evil sister Juliet so he was like "Nunh unh..." and sent a text message to Erik. "Where r u?" it asked, and boy if it wasn't the most exciting text Erik had ever received. How long he'd, well, longed to get such a text from Dan. Pity the context was so grim and dire. They were planning a murder here, of a sort, weren't they? It was no time for imagined romance. Air Bud, Dan, and Erik's big "Get Ridda Gentle Ben, Potential Orgy to Follow" plan was to go down at, of course, a partee. What was the party this week? Oh, it was yet another soiree for W magazine. Two in a row? You're slipping, writers. But yes, W was having some sort of mostly unexplained party and their newest star intern, Blinks Winksdinx, wanted to be the star of planning it. Trouble is her crotchety old (28 or so) boss Epperly was being so uptight and awful and Blair was worried about her performance report the next day so she decided that she not only needed to make sure that Epperly went to the party, she needed to get her laid as well. Not remotely creepy! Blair figured that if there was one man she knew with enough sexual dynamism, who would satisfy a woman's every need while still taking something for himself and being a little safely dirty about it, it was definitely Rufus Chuck. Of course it was Chuck. It's always Chuck. So Blair took Epperly over to one of Chuck's hotels because the W party needed a last-minute venue, but she and Chuck didn't really click. Mostly because Chuck is still carrying on with his business rival's daughter in a seriously epically boring storyline. But Epperly did kinda go in for Nate? So Blair switched gears and told Nate that he was going to have to close his eyes, picture the non-Brooke Shields parts of The Blue Lagoon, and drive it on toward home. Nate cried a little at this, but Blair eventually calmed him down, petting his head and saying "Sshhh, sshh...", and Nate finally agreed to seduce the nice lady. He hoped she looked like Christopher Atkins. There was the party! It wasn't really explained why the party was a party or anything, but who really cares. DEAB (Dan, Erik, Air Bud) had their plan to enact. It was REALLY complicated, really devious of them. Basically Air Bud would get Ben mad and then hopefully Ben would punch him and then they'd call his parole officer and that would be it. NICE PLAN. Pretty complex, but nice. So Air Bud went up to Ben, who was getting drinks for himself and Serena, and he was like "Hey don't step in my face," and Ben was like "I'm not stepping in anyone's face," and Air Bud was like "Except my face," and then Air Bud offered his plump orange cheek for Ben to strike but Ben swallowed his rage and said "Get outta my way," and walked off toward Serena. WHAT??? How could DEAB's flawless plan possibly have not worked??? That is outrageous. It's worse, it's nutrageous. I can't believe the ol' "say something and hope this guy punches me in public at his girlfriend's party" stratagem didn't work! Bizarre. So now they needed a new plan. Air Bud took Erik's hand (Is this it?? Erik desperately wondered, Is it finally happening??) and put a napkin with some ice in it. Erik was confused, was it some sort of Kathleen Turner in Body Heat kind of thing, or what? Air Bud said "No, that's for your fist in about three minutes." Erik blinked. "My fist? What...? Oh... OH. You like it with ice? OK, that makes sense actually I..." Air Bud shook his head in frustration, "No, no Erik. Jesus. No. See, you're going to punch me as hard as you can and then we're going to say Gentle Ben did it." "OOohhhhhh, ahhaha, right, duh, yeah, of course, what'd you think I meant?" Erik sputtered. Air Bud rolled his eyes and the two walked off to go beat each other up in the bathroom. I guess Erik really can hit hard! We didn't get to see it happen, unfortunately, but when the two boys returned from the bathroom — flushed, sore, smelling of sweat — Air Bud did indeed have a big welt on his face. They accused Ben, he didn't deny it, the parole officer showed up, all was over. Dan felt a little guilty, but what could he do? The curlicue on his forehead commanded him to do this wicked deed, and he can do nothing but heed its call. Still, though, he felt like a right ponce. Erik, meanwhile, was tingling and vibrating with the sexual thrill of success, so he walked up to Air Bud and said "Hey, so, wanna play a little Xbox to celebrate? Or something. Doesn't have to be Xbox. Or anything box-related really at all. We could play with our Wiis. I mean, my Wii. I mean, we can play with your Wii too. I guess we could play with both at the same time, I don't know, I was thinking that—" Air Bud put up a hand to stop this rambling. "Erik, no. I think we're done here." Erik's face turned into the saddest puppydog face since All Dogs Go to Heaven 3: Either Way, All Dogs Die, and he said, so forlornly that you could hear it on the grayest shores of the deepest lochs in Scotland, "But... I thought we were friends..." Air Bud scoffed. "I'm your dealer. PEACE." And he was gone. Just like that. Just like that. Meanwhile Blair was having a problem with work but her boss was nowhere to be found and, surprisingly, she wasn't shtupping Nate. Nate gamboled up and said cheerily "Oh, yeah, she went off with some guy from Oxford. I don't know! Anywayyyy, I'm going to meet some friends at that new place Bedlam. Wanna comesies???" Blair sighed. "No... thanks, but no. You have fun. Say hi to the boys for me." "Will do!!" Nate trilled and they kissed each other on the cheek and he was off. Shit. Where the hell was Epperly? Well, Blair found out the next day that Epps had spent all night with her old Oxford chum and that, surprisingly, she had quit her job. She was done with the rat race. No more, no more. And then, insanely improbably, she gave Blair her job. Haha, I love when I get important jobs at magazines after interning there for two weeks. That's always so much fun. Shit, I should probably be at that big edit meeting for Scientific American. Oh well. So yeah, now Blair has a big job. Speaking of big jobs, Erik now knew Air Bud's true, evil intentions, so he went hat in hand to everyone and made sure everything with Benji got sorted out. They called his parole officer who was like "Oh it was a scheme hatched by the son of a Belgian diplomat and his gay manservant? Happens all the time, believe me. No worries." So Ben is out and isn't that grand. He and Serena can smoosh til the cows come home and no one can stop them. Dan has welcomed him into the loft with open legs arms, and all will be well. (Right? Is that how the episode ended? I really can't remember.) Of course there is the Chuck storyline, but does anyone really care? His business is in danger, but so is his heart. The guy from Spin City is mad at his daughter. There was an awkward makeout scene. There was dumb stuff about growing up in a hotel and hiding in the kitchen. Bahh, bother. Who, exactly, is the business story for? Boys? I douuubtttt it. And that was that, basically! A pretty, pretty dull episode. Oh, wait, except yeah, they totally got Air Bud in trouble by going to talk to his dad. He was all sad whimpery when he saw them coming out of the embassy and he said "But he's going to cut me off!" and Erik and Dan shook their heads and said "Whaddaya gonna do?" and Air Bud fell to the sidewalk weeping "I'm ruined... ruined... I'm ruined..." Dan was content to go back to the sexloft to discuss with Ben the possibility of reopening the masturbatorium, while Erik headed back to the Lilymansion, feeling somewhat relieved. It would be a short-lived feeling though. Because as the cab rumbled up 5th Avenue, Erik felt a similar rumbling in his chest. He couldn't just leave poor Air Bud like that, could he? Destitute and alone? He told the driver to turn around and step on it. They headed back to the embassy and when they got there Air Bud was still there, sitting on the curb, bleary of eye, smoking a cigarette. Erik wordlessly sat down next to him. After a strained pause, he said "Hi." Air Bud put his head on Erik's shoulder and Erik put his arms around him and they sat there on the curb, watching the traffic go by, above them a worried sky glowing with wintry pearlesence. The lonely birds cawing and wailing, waiting for spring. Waiting for all of their vanished friends and loved ones to return to them, to fill the city air once again with the delicate, beautiful beating of wings.
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| MissBovari | Дата: Четверг, 28.04.2011, 01:31 | Сообщение # 11 |
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Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
| Gossip Girl: The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre
Love sprung, if not eternal, certainly something on last night's Valentine's Day episode of America's whiniest Peyton Place remake. Chuck loves to scheme. Blair also loves to scheme. Serena loves Ben. Ben loves catering events. Dan loves staring at people as they do interesting things. And Erik loves being disappointed. Wait, no he doesn't!
We'll get to Erik's disappointment anon, but first let's dispense with the other stuff, shall we? Starting with... Blair! Remember how Blair works at Letters Quarterly, this quarter's letter being W? Well, she does. She recently got a bigtime promotion after her old boss, Epilepsy, put on a beret and swallowed a handful of pills and went on a mind vacation to Paris or something. So she's wearing gold lamé shoulder pads and walking around fast these days. One of her big, big, big responsibilities is managing the W blog's socialite interviews section. Mmhm! This was the big story that everyone was concerned about on last night's episode: a blog entry about a socialite for the W magazine website. Yikes!! I can't believe Blair has to do this! What, was Carl Bernstein busy? Basically this is one of the most important things published this year, this W blog entry about a socialite's Valemtime's Day, so Blair can't, in the immortal words of RuPaul, fuck it up. The harpies at the magazine('s blog) want Blair to do the story on Serena, because of course, but Blair thinks that's old hat. She decides she wants to do it on Raina, the girl what Chuck done been getting into of late. This is all fueled, of course, by jealousy and whatnot, she wants to see how Chuck and Raina are spending the big V day, but the harpies don't know that, and one of them is like "Very interesting. Good idea, Blair. It's that kind of thinking that could make this job permanent." Hahahaha. Yup. Hope you're taking notes, Columbia School of Journalism students. The way to secure a job at a magazine these days is to think outside the box when it comes to blog entries about socialites. W magazine makes, the world takes.
Inevitably Blair's business coincided with Chuck's business. Chuck and Raina are together and she is trying to make her father's purchase of Catfish Enterprises as smooth as possible for Chuck. It is not very possible for it to be smooth at all, but these star-blinded young lovers don't know that yet. For now they're just bumping pretties and throwing lust/caution to the wind. Which brings us, snooooooooze, to the business wheelings and dealings. Man oh man how much do you not care at all about the fate of Bass Industries? You know what was really funny last night? That there was a whole subplot about Nate's dad's job. !!! "Will Nate's dad keep his job???? Find out on the next Gossip Girl." Everyone was so worried about Nate's dad's job!! But yeah, there was all this nonsense business stuff about the guy from Spin City doing stuff to the Chuckles Corporation and it was very much like zzzzzZZzzzzzzzz. But what's important to note out of all that rot and buggery is that Chuck was like "Let me throw a cool party to prove that you should keep the Bassdustries name once you buy it." And the guy was like "OK." So Chuck started planning a party, thinking all was well.
All was not well! NATE'S DAD came in and said "Chuck!!! I've been snooping around Blackman Tech and it seems that the whole letting you think you can save Super Fish Co. LTD by throwing a party thing is all a canard." Yup. Spin City is going to dismantle Bass no matter what. Thank you, NATE'S DAD! Good intel. So just what is going on here? Well, Chuck did some digging and it turns out that Spin City's issue with Bass & Sons is way personal. See, Lily dumped Spin City years ago for Bart, so he's mad at Lily. Chuck confronts him with this and he says "If you get rid of Lily, we have a dilly." (Mmhm.) So Chuck has to kill Lily. Or get her fired! One or the other. Chuck sets about doing that and it's all very snooooooooore.
Meanwhile Serena has heard through the vast W magazine blog grapevine that Blair is planning on producing a piece about Raina, and Serena thinks that is a terrible idea. See, Blair thinks that Chuck is doing Raina simply for business purposes. But what she doesn't know, but Serena does, is that Chuck and Raina are really in it for all the gushy romance stuff. So Serena is worried that if Blair finds this out, on Valemtime's Day of all days, it will smoosh Blair's heart like it was in a Death Star trash compactor. (Which would make Dan the mysterious one-eyed monster that lives in the trash water, I guess.) Serena thus intercepts Raina and tells her that she shouldn't do the big W blog profile and Raina's like "Ohhhh OK" and cancels. Blair is like "Zommmgimples, whattumIgunnadoo???" and for some reason Dan is there with a story he wrote about being in love with Serena (good, relevant story for W magazine, blog or otherwise) and he's like "Can you reeead this and pass it along?" and Blair is like "We're not friends, remember?? Plus I have to solve this huuuuge socialite blog profile fiasco!!" She runs away to Serena's house (or somewhere, her house maybe) and Serena is there and she says "So sorry Raina canceled on you. Oh look, I just got this box with a dress in it, from... someone." Serena goes to put the mystery dress on but forgets the card that came with the dress and Blair reads the card and it says "Serena, here's the dress. Thanks for the advice. The profile would have been a mistake. Blair can suck it long and suck it hard. Love, Raina. P.S. Blair stinks. P.P.S. Really, really stinks." Blair is furrrrrious! She has to get revenge on Serena for sabotaging her. (She thinks it's because Serena is jealous of Blair's big shoulder pad job at Letters Quarterly, but of course we know Serena was only doing it to protect Blair's handbag heart.)
This brings us, of course, to the bigtime party. It's somewhere upstate or something? Is that where it was? Who knows. Wherever it was, it was darkly lit and sparsely attended, but Spin City walked up to Chuck and was like "Now that you've gotten Lily fired and your party is so fun, I will totally be keeping the valuable Fish Bucket Unlimited name. Congratulations." Chuck was so happy! And all he had to do to achieve happiness was get his adopted stepmom fired from the board, thus alienating her forever. That's all. Elated beyond measure, Chuck found Raina and led her into a secret room at the chateau that contained a waiter with a little dinner table set for two and, hilariously, an enormous bed right behind it. Aha. Subtle, Chuck. Verrry subtle.
Meanwhile Serena was about to get the shock of her life. See, Ben had been having a hard time getting a job, on account of having to check the "I was falsely convicted of sexing a student" box on all his jorb applications. He felt like a big old dump of poop about that, especially with a pretty blonde money sack like Serena on his arm. Dan decided to set him up with his old catering gig (but only after spreading his legs suggestively and saying "You know, Ben, there are lots of ways to make money..." and then Ben cried and Dan was like "Um, like, uh, right, uh, like catering.") and somehow this got back to Blair and she was like "Oh, I'll fix Serena's little red wagon..." so she got Ben assigned to cater Chuck's party. Ben was happy to get the catering gig, but not proud of it. Serena called and Ben was like "I got a job, yeah yeah yeah!!" and Serena was so happy and she said "Ohhh where? Tutoring? Doing research for a professor?? Dan's fluffer???" Ben wished he had those jobs (except for the last one, maybe), he wished so hard, but he didn't, he was catering, quel embarrassment. So he told Serena that he was tutoring and she was happy for him and he put on his catering bowtie and headed up to Chuck's big party, completely unawares that Starleena would be there too.
Once everyone was at the party, Blair cornered Serena to do the big W interview, big big deal, and started peppering her with various questions. Eventually she got to the subject of Ben and Serena was like "Yes, I have a Valemtime, but it's personal, and I don't talk about my personal life." And Blair said "Oh, I know where your Valemtime is. He's right there!!!" and then the cameras (there were cameras there for the big W blog interview, naturally) turned where Blair was pointing and there was Ben done up in his catering outfit, handing out champagne!!! Serena was so fucking embarrassed. Or something. I forget how she reacted. Alls I know is that Ben was like "Um, I can't talk to you for the rest of the evening" and Serena was like "Oh nooo..." and she was sad. Then she was mad! Why had Blair set her up like that? They got into a fight in which Blair accused Serena of jealousy and then Serena was like "Nooooo, it's because Chuck and Raina are in love!!" but Blair didn't believe it. She stomped off to go have a good cry. And where did she stomp off too? Chuck's sex and dinner palace, of course. She stood alone in there crying or something and then Dan came in to nag her about his sharticle and Blair was like "Hush up, sugar pup, I already sent it along." And Dan was like "You did? You read it?" And Blair was like "Magotes." And Dan knew that her whole "I can't be bothered with you" attitude had just been a front. He was about to say as much but then Chuck and Raina burst in and Dan and Blair were forced to hide, Polonius-style, behind a curtain. Unfortunately for everyone no one got stabbed in this scene. Well, Blair did, in a manner. In the heart. See, she heard Chuck and Raina mumble sweet nothings to each other and she knew then that their love was real. She sat down on a settee and felt sad and Dan sat next to her and eventually took her hand to comfort her. Blair recoiled from that, out of propriety, but her hand was still burning hot where he had touched it.
Chuck escorted Raina to the seriously enormous bed and was about to begin his mounting procedure when Lily kicked in the door with a wild, primal scream. "Chuckkkk!!!!!!!!!" she bellowed. "How could you do this to me?? How could you get me fired???" Chuck was like "Chill, Lil. Don't be such a pill." But Lily wasn't having it. She called him a nasty little brat and a riverbed-sucking catfish monster and Chuck was like "At least I'm not a frosty old drunk like you" and the studio audience was like "OoooooOOooOooooo" and Lily spat in Chuck's face and punched him in the balls and as he doubled over in pain she leaned in and whispered in his ear "You pissed off the wrong frosty old drunk. Next time I rip them off" and stormed out. Then Raina walked up to Chuck and was like "The fuck? You jeep your own family like that? Nope. I'm done. You're cut." And Chuck went "But.. but ... b-but..." Then Spin City walked in, basically doing the sarcastic clap thing, and said "Well played, Chuck. Now you've gotten your big board member fired and my daughter is through with you and now I'm going to rip Bass Shoes to pieces. Piece by piece. And you're gonna have to love it." Chuck fell to his knees and issued a Darth Vader "Noooooooo!!!!!" and it was very sad for exactly no one, because who cares about Chuck's business? Nobody. Oh, and in the course of all this, NATE'S DAD lost his job. Sad. Maybe he'll get his own spin-off show? A sitcom about a middle-aged dad starting life over? Start at the Middle, with Sam Robards as Dad. Oh, and he also gave Chuck the security card to Spin City Capital and was like "Go commit felonies, kiddo." And Nate was there and was like "So cool!" Nate did nothing else in this episode. Poor, poor Nate. I think he was probably off screwing Rufus. (That was a great '90s grunge-pop band. Screwing Rufus.)
Serena got a text from Ben or sent him a text that was like "Where u at?" and he said "An old bar. Let's meet for a drink" so they met for a drink and then they made out in the bar and it was kind of gross because Ben looks a little like Julian Assange? Maybe just a little? But anyway, yeah, they're totally lovers now. Ick.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE ARE TOTALLY LOVERS??? Dan and Blair! Dan and Blair! Mmhm. Blair was feeling sad about it being Valemtime's Day and her being alone but then Dan called for some reason and asked what she was doing. She said she was watching Rosemary's Baby and Dan said "What part are you at, I'll watch it with you." So they watched it on their laptops in separate apartments, a modern-day Harry and Sally, and it was actually sorta cute. And I like them together! I know I am not supposed to, but it pleases me to watch them, in a Kelly and Brandon sort of way. They should just end the show when they get together, because what else is there to do, really? Not much. Not a whole lotta much.
Finally, of course, we turn to Erik. Awwww Erik. He was doing service work on Valemtime's Day to stave off the loneliness. Sweet lad. It worked for a little while, but at the end of the day he was still sad. Still feeling a bit blue in the trousers. Still feeling the cold tickle of solitude feathering in his insides. So it was a great excitement when, unloading the charity van after their shift, a co-volunteer was like "Ohh... there's someone waiting for you! Cute boy with brown hair??" and Erik just about squeal-plotzed. Jonathon!!! Come to see him!! On dear St. Valemtime's Deigh. What a treat. So he pranced over to where the lady said the man was waiting, ready to wrap him in a spindly hug and kiss his pretty mouth and never let him go, and he turned the corner and there was... Air Bud.  :( :(
Air Bud! Not Jonathon at all, but an angry Air Bud. He grabbed Erik by the neck (which was mostly scary, but if Erik is honest, it was also kind of a turn-on) and was like "Heyyyyy baby, 'member me? You're in trouble. I'm going to expose Lily for putting Ben in jail illegally unless you help me get back in my dad's good graces." Erik gulped and trembled (and came in his pants) and it was not the Valemtime's Day he had been hoping for.
I mean, it wasn't really for anyone, I guess. But that doesn't mean it was bad. Just different. Serena making out with a skeleton in an old bar. Chuck making dastardly plots with NATE'S DAD. Raina and her father riding in their black swan-drawn chariot through the night sky. Lily downing a handle of Rubnioff and cry-hiccuping to Rufus for a few hours while he pats her head and says halfhearted there-theres. Strange holidays all! Unideal evenings, perhaps! But also just fine. Also perfectly good. Perfectly grand to just be on a friend's couch, watching Gossip Girl, which you've somehow hoodwinked her into watching, after you convinced her to watch Degrassi, which was a special Valemtime's treat. Just fine indeed to be curled up in bed with a computer and, no, not looking at Facebook photos of Erik, the best ones being when he and Nate are in the same picture, but actually talking on the phone to Blair. Weirdly, Dan wouldn't have wanted to spend Valengines any other way.
And of course Erik, in the firm warm grip of Air Bud. Not quite a hug but something close enough. Not quite love, but certainly something. Something that at least told him "Here you are." Young and alive and wrapped in the bitter wind of February, but seeing the first cool glimmers of spring. Seeing too a softening in Air Bud's eyes, feeling his hand relax and then tighten again, but this time with a different urgency, one that made Erik think "Go. Press on, Air Bud." Squeeze. And squeeze and squeeze and squeeze until there is nothing left of me but the bright red light of my love, shining strong and true and piercing all the dark that surrounds us.
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| MissBovari | Дата: Четверг, 28.04.2011, 01:32 | Сообщение # 12 |
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Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
| Gossip Girl: Put Your Tulips Together and Blow
Last night's episode of Little Golden Books: The House of Mirth involved the biggest drug deal yet in show history, and yet people didn't seem all that concerned. Didn't seem all that worried that they could get caught with $100,000 worth of cocaine and be sent to Sing Sing for the rest of their pretty lives. No, they seemed more concerned about the future of Fart Bass Industries than they did about their own futures. Odd.
Can we just talk about this for a second? Indulge me. Has anyone, ever, in the history of the entire world, from the ancient Phoenicians to the future Chinomerican Continental Dwellers, ever cared about a Bass Industries plotline? I really don't think anyone has. Why would we? Is your typical Gossip Gimps audience member really that concerned about real estate holding companies and the various wheelings and/or dealings that happen within them? No! I understand that you have to have Chuckles do something other than catfish his way into ladies' pants (I mean, I guess I sort of understand), but why not then make him do something interesting, instead of running a boring old hotel? Have him produce a movie! That's fun! And you could introduce diva director and actor characters and Serena could get a part unexpectedly and it could be a whole season's worth of stuff. Chuck Perry Presents: Chuck Perry's Why Did We Buy This Hotel Too?. I would watch that. But, the dude from Spin City talking about acquisition deals with dumpy grownups? I'm sorry, I just fell asleep writing that sentence. Is it tomorrow? Did I write the rest of the recap? How'd it go?
So that's my opinion on that. Nobody cares, right? Or it just me, the cheese, standing alone? If you guys want to hear about all the inner-workings of Fishcut Enterprises, I suppose I could try. Or, y'know what, I'm sure BusinessWeek does recaps of at least that part of the show. Just go read those. Anyway. Moving on. What else happened? Ah, yes, the drugs! Remember at the end of last week's episode when poor little Erik was all excited because he thought Jonathan had shown up to surprise him at his work but then his boner died (but also kinda came back to life again, if he was honest) when he saw it was actually Air Bud waiting for him, with a threat? Well, yeah, Air Bud was all "I'm going to tell the police about when your mom faked a private school affidavit to get Ben in jail and they will send her to jail, unless you become my sensual captive do me drugs favors." So Erik was really in a pickle. Obviously he doesn't want to help Air Bud with his drug schemes, but also he doesn't want his mom, in the doghouse as she may be, thrown into the real doghouse. How did Erik decide to handle it? Fake sick.
Good thinking, buddy boy! That always works when you have a test you're not ready for or a field trip you don't want to go on or a $100,000 cocaine shipment to collect and hand over to a disgraced ambassador's son. Just play sick and have mom bring you soup and touch your forehead with her cool hands. Ostensibly Erik was faking sick so his 18th birthday party (yes, Nate, he legal now) would be canceled and, I dunno, he could go deal with drugs? But really I think he just wanted to lie on the couch and have everyone fuss over him. Rufus came downstairs and was like "How's the patient doing?" which was a good bit of writing because that's what dads say whenever their kids are sick, everywhere. It's just what dads do. But yeah, Erik was on a fake sick bed, desperately trying to figure out what to do about drugs.
Meanwhile Serena and Ben were all kissyface, bothering Dan in his own damn loftpartment with their cutesiness and general blonde pointiness. It was like watching two hairy lion skeletons rub up against each other and he was not happy with it. But he knew Ben had had a hard go of it in life, so he let it continue. Sigh. I don't know. Serena and Ben got up to some nonsense but eventually their story tangled with Erik's. Basically they went over to Lily's Glasstower Palace and he was waiting for them in the lobby. "Enrique!" Serena shrieked. "Shouldn't you be abed, laid up with fevers??" But Erik said "No, no, I'm not really sick. You're gonna laugh when you hear this... Basically I have to orchestrate a $100k shipment of cocaine or mom goes to jail. I mean, Wednesdays, amirite?" Serena and Ben's eyes did strange ribbon dances in their skulls and finally they were like "Ummmmmm OK. Clearly you can't become Pablo Erikbar." (I mean, they didn't say that, but they almost could have?) Serena said she would do the drugs and Ben was like "No!! You can't. Maybe... maybe you do nothing. Maybe this is what Lily gets." Serena and Enrique were appalled by this. Lily is their mother, frosty owl-woman as she may be, she is all they have in this world, other than their millions of dollars and whatnot, so they will protect her. Serena tells Erik she will handle it and says "Go upstairs and tell them the party's on." So Erik gets to have a bday party after all! Pin the tail on the Nate!!
This is where things get confusing. (Mostly because I stopped paying full attention. Blame the slideshows in the Times Real Estate section.) Serena and Ben needed help hatching a scheme so they went to the great scheme hatchress herself, Blizzard. Poor Blarney was super swamped at W magazine, mostly because all of her interns quit because she is so awful to them. So she's trying to do everything at once, crying out like Roy Cohn "I wish I was an octopus!" But an octopus she is not, just one human(ish) girl, so she's in trouble. Luckily Dan, her forever frenemy who is now slowly turning into something of a fuckemy, shows up and says "How can I help?" Of course she is resistant at first, but eventually she caves. But not before Serena and Ben come in and the three create a plot that involves someone picking up the drugs in tulip boxes or something and I don't know. Basically what happens is that Blair decides to have one of her assistants pick up the drugs because, ha ha...? It would be the sweetest revenge to have a girl you don't like get sent to prison for thirty years? I don't get it. But it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that the message gets scrambled and dumb doof Dan ends up going to get the flowers himself (just one of many ways that Dan is like Mrs. Dalloway) and so now everyone's screwed.
Screwed at first because they think Dan has brought 100 tulips to Erik's bday party that are full of cocaines. (I laughed a little thinking about how Dan saw nothing weird about an 18-year-old boy wanting 100 tulips delivered to his house for his birthday party. Oh, Erik.) Yikessssss, they all think to themselves. But then they open the tulips and they're not actual cocaine tulips, they're just regular tulips? Meaning the cocaine tulips are missing and unaccounted for, meaning they now owe Air Bud $100,000? I'm not really sure how that works but who cares. Dan is like "Who?" and they pat his head and he goes home. Serena and Erik (Serena is sort of mad at Ben for wanting her mom to go to prison, so he's off somewhere) are like "What the fuck are we gonna do?" and then they decide to do what everyone would do, they write him a check. Yeah, Serena is all "Oh you're 18 today so your trust fund checkbook should be in one of the wrapped presents, so we'll just find that, write a check, and we're done, no muss, no fuss." Nope. No fuss. Just a $100,000 trust fund withdrawal to explain. But that's it. That's how we'd all handle it, I think.
They go to sort through the presents ("Dildo, dildo, tulip vase, tulip vase, tulip-shaped dildo... Jesus! Who do people think I am?") and find the checkbook, just in time for Air Bud to show up and be like "Gimme gimme." So they're handing him the check just as Lily walks in and is like "What the crystal fuck is happening in my crystalmansion?" Air Bud runs away with the check and Erik and Serena are like "Well, see there was this $100,000 shipment of cocaine..." and Lily laughs and says "Oh is that it? No worries, we'll be fine. Just tell me next time! Awww, happy bday 'riques."
So that was that? Well, it was sort of that. Later on we saw Ben talking to Air Bud and Air Bud gave him the check, meaning Ben had set the whole thing up all along and he is sort of evil. He threatened to have Air Bud killed. Oh, and you know what? Someone overheard him. That someone was... Vanessa. Yes, growl, our terrible cavewoman has come lumbering out of her northern cave and down to New York City to woodenly plead Dan for forgiveness. Ugh. I guess she'll be factoring into upcoming episodes. Dan, meanwhile, is going further and further down Blair's rabbit hole. She was all frazzled so he A) took care of cocaine tulips and  wrote a blog post for her work blog about the importance of friends. Aww, how sweet. And, really, just what the W reader wants. "Hey did you read that great blog about friends on W?" "Oh, yeah, totally, that was so cool, what they said about friends. I'm also really enjoying this Vogue article about how it's nice to have pets." I don't think W magazine is what these people think W magazine is. But oh well.
All of this meant that Blair owed Dan a debt of gratitude so she went over to his loftarium and they ordered fancy pizza and watched another old movie and she fell asleep on his shoulder, and he liked feeling the delicate, hollow, birdlike weight on his body, liked the smell of her headbands. There's something gross about the whole thing, but something sweet to it too. Like carnies falling in love, or hobos mating. Your eyes well up with gross-out tears, but also you say "Awww."
Speaking of, Nate was busy flirting it up with Raina, Chuck's former girlfriend, the very tan girl. I mean, she's really tan for Gossip Girl, isn't she? Someone tell her to get out of the sun! I mean, we thought Vanessa was about as tan as this show got, but nope. Guess not. Anyway, Nate's plan was to spend the day with Raina being fun and charming (well as "charming" as a silicone and acrylic TwinkDream™ Fantasy Doll can be) and that would convince her to... get back with Chuck? Look, Nate's trying here. He really wanted to have a scheme of his own, and this was the best he could do. Just... just cut him some slack, OK? He has a harder time than the normal kids. But yeah, the day involved going ice skating in Central Park, smoking a joint, and playing video games, including some sort of Dance Dance Revolution type game that had Nate doing this awkward jelly-roll arm shake thing that was miserably wonderful and embarrassing. We should watch Nate dance every episode. We really really should. Raina now likes Nate and so that'll be a plot on this show.
As will Air Bud going to Spin City and being all "Gimme money and I'll tell you Lily secrets." As will Vanessa going to Dan and saying "Gimme danmeat and I'll tell you Ben secrets." Things like that. But for now, it's just a small birthday party. After all the tulip drama ended and the party guests had cleared out, the family, just Chuck and Roof the Goof and Serena and Lils and the birthday boy himself Ricky Bean-eyes all sat on the floor and ate birthday cake and it was nice, and humble, and easy. Eventually everyone stumbled off to bed, except for Erik. He'd had a decent birthday, he guessed. Could have been worse. But could have been better. Was, actually, about to get better.
'Round midnight there was a knock on the front door, rousing Erik from his champagne blur. He walked over, pulled it open, and there was Nate, leaning in the doorway, lazily holding a bottle of something brown. He looked at his watch. "11:59. You're still the birthday boy. Tell me, what would you like your present to be?"
Erik smiled, pulled Nate inside by the sleeve, shut the door behind him. The lights were low, Erik's head felt fuzzy and bright, full of fireflies. "Well," he said, slowly taking the bottle from Nate's hand. "You can start by showing me that dance."
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| MissBovari | Дата: Четверг, 28.04.2011, 01:33 | Сообщение # 13 |
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Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
| Gossip Girl: Things We Found in the Fire
On last night's episode of what we Americans get instead of Downton Abbey because we don't deserve nice things, truths were unburied, passions were enflamed, and accounts were settled.
You might remember that there was this whole business going on with business. In that Chuck, a 20-year-old, runs a large empire of darkly lit sensual hotels and he is trying to do something to help the company because it's in money danger or some such rigmarole. Plus there's this guy from the show Spin City who's trying to kill Chuck's company or something and Lily is helping Chuck protect it and last week they did something that was good and Chuck is all "We're saved!" and everyone's happy (except Spin City obviously). But then last night Lily got her dry-cleaning delivered by Vanya the houseboy and mixed in with her clothing was an orange prison jumpsuit and a note that said "Maybe you should wear this tonight. Because you are going to jail. Or being blackmailed. Sincerely, the blackmailer." It was a pretty literal note, if I recall. "You are in trouble. Yours, a bad guy." Scary stuff!
So Lily's all worried and she figures that Ben must have spilled the beans to someone about how, many years ago, Lily had Javert take Jean ValBen to prison for fake reasons or something and now he's pissed. The trouble is her daughter Serena is dating Ben so everything's complicated. Of course all of this Ben stuff affects Chuck and her mother, but Serena keeps dating Ben, because I guess she is horrible and selfish? I mean, of all the boys in all the world, you have to date the one guy who could send your mom to jail and maybe ruin your stepbrother's company? It's like she lives her life solely to create dramatic tension that gets resolved in a weekly cycles or something. It's so weird! But whatever, that is what Serena is doing and now it is a problem because what if Ben has decided to put her mom in jail, as is the only way to clear his name once and for all. Plus then Ben's mom is in town and Serena is like "Oh, we should be friends." Because sure.
This means Lily's skulking around trying to figure out who's blackmailing her and Serena's willowing around her mansion trying to impress Ben's mom with pizzapie and Ben's mom is all "I'm lactose intolerant" and it's a good thing Ben is both a good son and a good boyfriend and told Serena about that before Serena had them over for lunch. Ben is great! I totally get why someone would fall so in love with him that it wouldn't matter that he might send your mom to jail. I get it completely. At the awkward pizzapie (well, salad for ol' Lactaid over there) lunch, Serena steps out for a second and overhears Ben's mom saying "You lose either way. Either you hurt her by turning her mom in and clearing your name, or you don't clear your name and you're screwed for life." Lactaid had a good point! But it is not what Ben or Serena wanted to hear. Then Lactaid was like "I'm leaving. But, let me go get my purse upstairs........" HMMMM. What a funny thing for Lactaid to say, isn't it???? Wonder why the writers gave her that unnecessary line.......
Well! Later on Serena is talking to Lily and she's like "I overheard this convo and I think you're right, I think Ben did it, luckily I still have that affidavit that proves everything" and Lily's like "The fuck? Why didn't you burn that shit?" and Serena said she thought it would be good to have on hand. For what, Serena? Record keeping? "I keep all of the family's illegal doings here in this well-protected underwear drawer that— OH HOLY SHIT, MOTHER OF FUCK IT'S GONE." Yup. Serena went looking in her super secret hiding place, and the smoking gun, the thing that will put Lily in the clink for sure (wealthy white women often go to jail for telling lies these days), was gone. Ben must have taken it! So Serena would have to confront him at a party. Chuck was having a party to celebrate everything being perfect, precarious but perfect, which is always a great time to have a party, it's a good idea to preemptively celebrate when you have everything to lose. These people are thinkers, man. Real thinkers. But yeah, that's where Serena decided she would confront Ben, because better to do that kind of thing indiscreetly in public than somewhere quiet where your shit won't be in everyone's face.
Also going to the party were Blair and Dan, who were in their own sort of pickle. Mainly that Blair kind of wants to play with Dan's pickle and maybe he wants that too. Yikes! They were still just doing the friend thing this episode, all stealthy and whatever, but tension was ratcheting up. Dorota found out that Dan was Blair's secret friend (in like the most plot Dorota's had in a long while, so that was fun) and was like "You are having sex affair!" and Blair was horrified. But then Dan was talking vaguely to Rufus about his secret friend, not by name, and Rufus was like "Are you smooshing this person?" and Dan was horrified. Why did people keep assuming that they were doing the Humphrey Hump? This made them uncomfortable, so they both independently decided to stand the other up for a friend date, but then they ran into each other while standing each other up and it was like "We gotta figure this out."
But then it was time for the party and it was too late, because major crap went down. Right before the party Serena was visited by a terrible demon that some folks call "Vanessa," the spirit of a long-dead cavewoman that is now a knotty tangle of bad juju and magicks. The Vanessa came to tell Serena what she had overheard — that Ben had done dastardly things in prison and whatnot. Like he'd had Nate's dad beat up or something. Whatever. The point is, this further shook Serena's confidence in Ben, so at the party she was really ready to talk to him about the affidavit and get mad or sad or something. But when she confronted him he was like "The hell you talking about?" and meanwhile Lily was upstairs talking to Lactaid, Ben's mom, because of course Chuck would invite this random woman no one's ever met before to his big "What Could Go Wrong?" party. Of course. Then it was discovered that of course the mom had been the one to take the affidavit while "getting her purse upstairs" (see???), though it was not explained how she knew where it was or even that it was there at all. I guess Ben told her? "I was rifling through Serena's underpants and there it was. This is good mom/son conversation, isn't it?" "Prison has changed you, son."
So oooooops, Serena! It wasn't Ben! But of course now Ben is sad that Serena doesn't trust him, so he ran away to cry and be alone for a while and Serena felt like poop. And then a bunch of shit happened with Chuck. There was this weird plan to get Spin City's daughter, whose doing weird things with Nate, to not like Spin City anymore by hearing about the blackmail that he's doing. Yeah, because Ben's mom was in cahoots with Spin City and now they have the affidavit and now it's all over or going to be unless something happens. So Chuck goes into a room to talk about all this with Spin City while, I guess, Raina (his daughter) stands in the wall looking into the room through the eyes of a portrait. And all goes according to plan: Spin City offers a blackmail, then Lily is like "Fuck it, Ima turn myself in anyway," and the Raina tears through the wall and is like "You're awful, daddy. Awful!" and Chuck laughs and laughs in a mwahahaha kind of way and, again, what could possibly go wrong? A lot, apparently!
After everyone else leaves, Spin City turns to Chuck and says "Well, ya got me. Say, do you know why I really hate Bass Industries?" and Chuck says "Yeah, because my dad stole Lily from you." Spin City shakes his head and says "No. It's because your dad burnt down my wife." WHAAT? Chuck's eyes went googly. Spin City nodded. "Yeah many years ago she was in a Bass hotel and it burnt down and she died so I hate your dad and by extension you." Clearly the wife lives up in the attic and Chuck is Jane Eyre or something, but for now, yeah, Chuck thinks that his dad's legacy is all a lie, because his dad lied to him about burning a lady up one time. So Chuck runs downstairs and yells "Get outtttt!!!!!" to everyone at the party (well, actually, he has Serena do that for him), and he starts drinking. Blair and Dan observe all this and then have a conversation about how Serena is upset about Ben breaking up with her (I think he's gone forever? Oh god how I hope he's gone forever) and Chuck is upset because his dad killed a lady with fire once. They figure that Chuck and Serena are really going to need Dan and Blair to comfort them right now, so maybe it's not the best time to be doing clandestine friend dates with each other. They're both sad, clearly, but what can you do?
Serena and Chuck are moping at the bar and Chuck moans "I have to talk to Blair, she's the only one who will understand." and Serena is worried about him because he's been drinking so she says "OK, I'll go with you." So they're both on their way to Blair's house which is scary because at that very moment, Dan is AT Blair's house. Yup, he showed up and said to Blair with his lips all quivering, "Here's how we'll know if we like each other as more than secret friends. We kiss once. If we feel something, then there it is." Blair, ever the pragmatist, agrees to this. Dan hesitates, and Blair says "Oh for Pete's sake," and grabs Dan by the scruff and pulls him in for a wet one. Then the screen freezes and the episode is over! Yup! Just like that.
Will Dan and Blair be a thing? Of course they'll be a thing! I think they'd be a good thing to end the show on. Full circle, in a way. The Brooklyn boy ends up with the UES princess. You know, whatever that literary device is. And then after they're together for a while, Chuck's dad comes back and burns them all up in a fire. A fire so hot it burns bright bright white and everyone screams and wails but it's too late, our friends are gone. But it's OK, because they were finished. So very, very finished.
I forgot to talk much about this whole plotline with Nate and Raina, but honestly who cares? At one point Raina said to Nate "You're smarter than you look" and it was supposed to be funny but mostly it was just sad for poor Chace Crawford. Oh and Billy Baldwin came back to torment Lily and Rufus, not in an actual sex dungeon torment kind of way unfortunately, but emotionally and businessly. He's stirring pots, basically. And Erik was nowhere to be seen this episode. I guess he was off hiding in the bushes staring at Vanya the houseboy again, trying to get a handle on the pickle. The pickle of being in unrequited love! Guys, don't be gross.
You know what else is gross? No more of this until April 18th. I guess I really shouldn't have had that "Gossip Girl Will Never Go On Break Again" party last night. So dumb of me!
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| MissBovari | Дата: Четверг, 28.04.2011, 01:33 | Сообщение # 14 |
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Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
| Gossip Girl: The Picture of Imperfection
We are back! Or, they are back. We've been here the whole time, but our entitled friends from the Upper East Side disappeared almost two months ago and left us all alone here, without any Drama or Scheming or any typical Gossip Girl things. But now that's over! Yay!
Yay? I don't know. It was so long ago that we last saw Silver and Adrianna and Teddy and all them (that's the same show right?), that I had a really hard time remembering or even, gulllp, caring what the various plotlines were last night. I mean, there's something going on with Lily going to the hoosegow? Don't drop the gilded truffle soap at rich lady prison, Lily! And then there's something with Nate and his friend Raina, something about Raina's mom dying from fire, and I guess we're supposed to care about that? I mean, Nate is a very interesting character, dynamic and shaded, so it's weird to not totally be into one of his plotlines, and yet here I am, not really into it. I mean, how can anyone focus on, or remember even, what's going on with the other characters when the most important storyline of Gossip Girl's time is sputtering along in front of us. Of course I'm speaking of Dan + Blair = Blan. (What, is there a better portmanteau?)
Yes! Last we saw them they had mouth smooshed and that was like six weeks ago, so surely so much has to have changed, they're probably doing i- Huh? What's that? Nothing has changed? They just kissed the one time and that's it?? Booooooooooooo. Hisssssss. Gossip Girl, it is so not like you to be plodding with your plotting, so why then are you dragging out this, the one story most of us have cared about in two years? It's just cruel. Anyway, yes, last night Blair was laid up in bed, miserable because her powerful lady career is ruined (or something, feh), but also because she is so sex-confused about her tingles for rumply old barracuda-jaw, Dan. What is she to do? Well for now she is to lie in bed and have weird Dan dreams (rolling around in a pile of fake New Yorkers, listening to old Rufus and the Wailers EPs, tasting Dan's waffley taste on her lips) and have Dorota stare at her suspiciously.
Meanwhile Dan is all bonered and upset about it too. There was a funny scene toward the beginning of the episode in which Dan was looking all confusticated while trying to sort books in his room, and there sitting in a corner, looking on with a strange Mona Lisa smile, was Erik. What was Erik doing alone with Dan at Dan's house on a sunny spring afternoon? Hmmm? Anyway, Erik could tell that Dan was all constipated about something, so he began to pry it out of him. Dan, ever weak and gushy, very quickly began to spill the beans. "Erik, can I tell you a secret?" he asked. Erik cleared his throat, shifted in his seat. "Of- Of course. Sure. Of course. A secret. Lay it on me." Dan walked closer to Erik, hoping somehow that proximity would keep the secret more secure. Erik took in a deep, sharp breath. Here it was, finally. Dan looked down, nervous and embarrassed. "See, I have a crush..." Erik held his breath while in his head a single, lone firework whistled up into the sky and burst into glorious white light. "On Blair." Erik felt his stomach flip-flop, swore he could hear his heart as it clattered down the empty elevator shaft. "Oh. Blair. Blair? Really? Well, OK." Dan looked relieved, glad to have finally said it out loud. Then he said something about how Blair smells nice and everyone playing along at home fell to ground in spasms, because ew, and Erik felt his insides one again knotting and hardening with cold. How foolish he'd been to let a hopeful blush of spring into himself. Spring is all mud and wetness and rot. Better to be the winter, better with the icepack and dim gray light. Poor Erik. Poor us. Poor everyone.
So yeah, that's where Dan's at. He's admitting that he has a crush on Blair, breaking Erik's poor deer's heart in the process, and potentially endangering himself. How? Chuck's how. Chuck! Remember Chuck? He's the once-kinda-fun evil character who now spends all his time Don Johnning around, trying to ruin Hero's wedding put together elaborate plots to win back Blair's affections. It's so boring with this stuff these days! Everyone just stop it with Chuck and Blair. Eh, no one's listening to me. Chuck's plan this week was to have Blair's old W boss, EpiPen, call Blair up and be all "So I'm back from my stupid trip and working for Taschen now and we're doing a photoshoot for 'new royalty' or some nonsense, so you should come assist me." Blair of course was tickled by the idea, so she threw back the sheets, flung open the drapes and the French windows and yelled down to the sreet, "You there boy, what day is this??" and the boy, Erik, was like "The worst day ever.." and Blair yelled back "Fuck it, whatever, I'm going to a photoshoot!" So the idea was that Blair would go and see Chuck and totally fall in love with him. Simple enough, right? No! There was another angle to the plan...
Chuck found out somehow, it doesn't really matter how, that Dan is the boy that Blair kissed recently, so he's got to take care of Dan while he's wooing back Blair. Normally Chuck would just make a single, brief, deliberately vague phone call — something like "Fix it" or "Make it happen" or "Do the thing" — and Dan would be found a few days later in the Brooklyn loft, having "slipped and fallen" in the shower, and that would be that. But no, Chuck didn't want to win Blair's heart through tragedy, he wanted to win it through shame. So he had EpiPen or someone call up or write to Dan and say "Hey we're doing this Taschen photoshoot about new royalty or something stupid and we want to photograph you as an 'up-and-comer' or something stupid." Chuck's plan being that at the photoshoot he would embarrass Dan, because of course there was no up-and-comer section, and thus Blair would realize that Dan is too much of a stupid Brooklyn bumpkin to live in Blair's fabulous world. Good plan? No, not good plan. Dan, meanwhile, assumed that he'd been called in for the shoot because Blair wanted to spend time with him, which was sad and gross. Everyone was wrong. Cue muddled, mumbled comedy of manners farce.
First, though, we gotta deal with Lily van der Woodsen up there in her glass sky palace of crystal tears. She's waiting by the phone to find out what kind of jail sentence she gets, so everyone is very nervous. Plus her ex-husband Billy Baldwin is there, which doesn't help matters, especially because Rufus is all snippy and put-upon about Billy Balds being there. Rufus clearly would never actually do anything about it, because he's Rufus the Goofus, not some self-actualized adult man, but it still creates tension. And then of course there's the unpleasant presence of Lily's mother, Lady Badactress, making the whole van der Woodsen family scene a total nightmare. It couldn't possibly get worse! Haha, of course it could! All of a sudden Lady Badactress announced that Lily's long-lost sister Carol would be coming up from her bohemian lifestyle in Florida, so they could all take a family picture together for the, yup you guessed it, new royalty photoshoot! (Modern royalty? American royalty? I don't remember, whatever it was it was lame and I'd like to think that no self-respecting person, no matter how rich, would ever actually participate in a photo shoot themed around being royalty, because gross.) Lily was unhappy to see her sister, because her sister doesn't approve of her tony, troubled lifestyle, but Lily is also really excited to take the photo, so she doesn't know what to do.
Meanwhile Serena runs into her cousin Charlie, a girl, in the lobby of the apartment building. Seems that Charlie, though she's been told by her mom for years that the New York van der Woodsens are bad and spoiled people, is really curious to see, and perhaps live, the flashy lifestyle. So she sneaked up to New York without telling her mom and now here she is talking to Serena. The two immediately hit it off and Serena takes her brag shopping. Of course at the same time, Lily and Carol have made friends again, very suddenly and abruptly after looking at old photos (hilariously they were just stills from that awful spin-off attempt), so they decide to go giggle around town and buy zany '80s outfits for their photo shoot (oh, right, the formal photo shoot got canceled because Lily is a hardened criminal, but the girls decided to do one of their own anyway, because sisters are doing it for themselves) and who do they bump into? Serena and Charlie at Intermix, and Carol is all upset and worried that Charlie is going to be corrupted and Lily and Serena are like "Chill out, bitch!" but that bitch won't chill out.
Everyone storms back to Lily's cream-colored torture spa and in the lobby Serena overhears her grandmama talking to Carol and saying "I send you a check every month..." Whaaaat? Noooo. Carol's whole thing is that she said "Cram it" to the family money and does things for herself down in FLA. Turns out she doesn't, has been living a lie, and has kept her daughter away from the rest of her family based on said lie. Of course it all comes out in the wash eventually, and there are hints that Charlie is evil — she made flirties with Dan, she likes trying on everyone's fancy clothes just a little too much, Carol basically said "Watch out, she's evil" — and I'm guessing we'll see more of that as the last few episodes of the season roll themselves out. Ugh, whatever. We've had this plotline so many times on so many shows! We just had a crazy jealous cousin on 90210! Don't give us another crazy jealous cousin storyline please, folks. Just don't. It was perfected with Tara on the original 90210 (she wasn't a cousin, but it functioned much the same way) and we just don't need it anymore, please.
So that's that and now we go back to the photo shoot. William Baldwin called in a few favors and got the royalty shoot back on for the van der Woodsens, so they all headed over in Lily's invisible diamond minivan to take their portrait. At the shoot, Blair was Blairing around like she does, Chuck was standing in shadowy corners waiting for his plot to unravel, and Vanessa was there, for no good reason at all. Ugh, Vanessa! Well, she did eventually serve a purpose, her only current purpose on the show: to overhear things. That's all Vanessa does. She just stands around hearing things that people are doing and then trying to figure out who to tell first. Vanessa Abrams: Hearer at Large. What she hears is this: Dan goes up to Blair and is like "Hey, I'm here in my suit for my up-and-comer shoot" and Blair is like "Who? What? This isn't a high school yearbook, there's no up-and-comer shoot" and then Erik pops up from a potted plant and says "Wait, Dan, sorry, what did you say about being up and coming and shooting?" and they all laughed and said "Oh, Erik" and Erik turned to the camera and gave us his trademark "Who, me???" joke face and it was a great moment. No, no, what actually happened is that Dan was like "But... I thought you orchestrated this to be near me... " and Blair said no and then Chuck the dastard leaped from the shadows with his cape furling and he said "Aha! It was I all along! Blair, don't you see he's a penniless pauper with no placd in grand society? PS I know you too kissed." That's what Vanessa heard, that Blan kissed! Uh oh, she's toooootes going to tell Serena and the blonde poop will hit the $500 vintage fan.
Anyway, Blair was totally like "Um, Chuck, ya burnt," with the whole plotting thing, and though she'd gone to the photo party thinking she might reunite with him, she now knew for sure she wouldn't. She said at least Dan was a grownup and Dan got a boner and Erik popped up from under table and said "You're growing, up?" and Dan shook his head and walked away. Blair told Dan that she was confident he'd find his princess someday and indicated to Serena, which, noooo, god noooo, we can't have that happen again. Let's focus here people, please let's focus? Blair and Dan. That's where we're going. Maybe we're going there next week? It looks like we might be. Oh, but of course that prince Garibaldi or whoever showed up at the very end, so that will throw a wrench in the whole thing. Sigh. I just want Dan and Blair to do it already!
We'll just have to wait for that I guess. For now it's just this silly photo shoot. The van der Woodsens decided not to do the formal shoot, so they all retreated back to Lily's shimmermansion and had waffles and then the fam surprised Lily with a famous photographer coming to take a portrait of the whole crazy van der Woodsen-Rhodes-Humphrey clan. Everyone smiled and then strangely the backgrounds went all weird and cheap and '80s? What the hell was that? It looked the backdrops from the make-your-own-music-video booths they had at the mall when I was a kid. It looked like the backgrounds from my six-year-old sister lip syncing "How Do You Know" while wearing a Boston College sweatshirt. (Real thing that happened and still exists in video form!) It was a very strange design choice for the show people, but whatever. The photo shoot happened and everyone smiled and though the phone rang, possibly with details of Lily's jailtime, she didn't answer it. She wanted to wait, she wanted to preserve this happy moment forever, before everything changed, the way everything is always changing.
That's the magic and weirdness of photographs. And that's a nice part of people, I think. This want, this activity of preserving a moment, capturing oneself and those around you, giddy and frozen in time. Aren't photographs hopeful! Aren't they also so sad? Isn't everything ending, just when it feels like it's starting again?
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| MissBovari | Дата: Воскресенье, 08.05.2011, 18:39 | Сообщение # 15 |
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Crazy Lovely bitch
Сообщений: 28200
| Gossip Girl: The Prince and She
Last night's episode of Upstairs, Upstairs was all about comic and dramatic misunderstandings, about canards and ruses, trickery and tomfoolery. Typical episode! This far into the season, the whole Dan/Blair (Dir) thing has not progressed to the point I'd like it to have progressed. Are you all with me? Not that I really spend any time thinking about Gossip Girl when I'm not watching it or writing about it, but in those times, namely last night and right now, I think I would like Dan and Blair to be doing a little more smooshing, at least face smooshing, than they are right now. Right now they are hardly doing any! Me: Dan, have you been doing any face smooshing with Blair? Dan: [looking down at crotch] Hardly. Get it? Haha, double meanings. But yes, my point is that the Dan/Blair love affair (that rhymes!) has been moving at a snail's pace. And now there's a whole new obstacle in its way! "A diversion." - Legolas/me. Yeah remember last week at the end of the episode, Prince Garibaldi or whoever he is showed up with a shoe for Blair and now they are courting? Well, it was a Prince-heavy episode last night, perhaps deliberately timed to tap into the whole royal wedding hysteria that is not really sweeping the nation much at all. The Prince still really likes Blair, even though they haven't spoken in eight months and kinda fought the last time they saw each other, so he's come to New York to get a piece of sweet, sweet American pie. Blair is thrilled! Finally her dreams of becoming vaguely accented European royalty will be realized and nothing can stand in her way. Well, no, of course that's not true. Everything can and will stand in her way, because this is Gossip Girl! The main problem is that the Prince's parents, the King and Queen von Fancycountry, have discovered that he's gone on a sex tourism trip to the New World and they are not happy about it. So they've dispatched their best assassin to track him down and bring him home. They've also devised a nefarious, tricky little plan that involves... Dan Humphrey! Yes, you might remember that Dan likes to scribble nonsense on pieces of paper and call himself a writer, so he is always on the hunt for writing jobs. And last night he found one! Someone from Paris Match had seen Dan's big W magazine blog, because of course everyone in France is reading the W magazine blog written by interns, so they asked him to help out with some additional reporting for a story about Prince Garibaldi. Dan was so excited! Except, he felt a little sleazy. Basically his job was going to be to follow the Prince around secretly and report on his whereabouts. I mean, Dan is no stranger to following dark, handsome men around New York while desperately fiddling with a pencil-shaped object, but for some reason this particular task seemed unseemly. But he did it anyway, because it was his job. His big job for Paris Match. It is for Paris Match, right??? Hmmm.... Meanwhile, in glimmer palace uptown, Serena is worried about Dan. She's worried about Dan and Blair. Y'see, last week the Vanessa cavewoman called her up and said "Oooga booga Dan Blair kiss oooga." Serena was incensed. Not necessarily that Blair and Dan had locked lips, but that they had lied to her about their secret relationship. Serena does not take being lied to lying down! Or something! So she devised a plan. Her plan was to enslave her cousin Charlie, a girl, and send her running around town following Dan. So Dan was following the Prince who was hanging out with Blair while Charlie was following Dan. They were all following each other into a spiraling point of infinity into which the whole world will eventually disappear. Very exhausting stuff! The gist is that the Prince told Blair that he didn't want to be spotted by anyone, so doing the usual fancy princely things was out of the question. So Blair decided to take him to regular commoner places, one such place being Veselka. Meaning Dan followed the prince to Veselka and walked in after him, meaning Charlie saw Dan walk in (not having seen the Prince) and then saw Blair arrive, so she naturally assumed that Blair was meeting Dan. Inside the restaurant, Dan saw Blair meet the Prince and was like "Whaaa" and then Charlie called Serena and was like "Dan and Blair are fucking on top of a huge pile of pierogies right now so you should come and watch and scream at them." So Serena rode her enormous trumpet swan down to the East Village and crashed through the glass of Veselka and screamed "Liars! Fornicators! Show yourselves!" Blair was like "S, the fuck you doing?" and then the Prince turned around and Serena saw that he was the Prince, not Dan, so she was embarrassed. "Ohhh..." she mumbled, Serenaly. How silly of her. Never mind! Carry on! Nothing to see here. Serena told Charlie that the case was closed and to let it go, but Charlie did not want to let it go. She still thought Dan and Blair were up to something. And of course they were. See it turns out that the Prince's parents found out about Blair, and they are not happy. They don't want their precious dimple-cheeked son marrying some American street walker, so they're going to make him come home. But if the Prince goes back to Europe, how will Blair get a glimpse of his glorious scepter? Blair needs him to stay, so she needs to convince his parents that they're not smooshing. And what better way to convince anyone of that than for Blair to be caught kissing Dan? Hm. OK. I don't.... Fine. Whatever. At some point Dan had found out that he wasn't really hired by Paris Match, that it was actually the Prince's family (or something?) trying to keep tabs on him, so he quit the job and swore himself to the Prince's cause. So Blair told him that they'd have to be caught kissing by the royal vizier who had flown out to collect the Prince. Yeah. It was stupid even for this show. The kissing would have to happen at the big Pink Party that Lily was having at her house. Now normally when Lily has a "pink party" at her house it involves several bottles of wine, stirrups, and lots of pre-party stretching and breathing exercises, but, much to Rufus's dismay, this was not one of those pink parties. This was a formal Pink Party for breast cancer research. Lily was very excited to have the party at her home, because she is now on ankle-bracelet house arrest for a few months after she completely ruined that guy's life. Boo! Lily is upset about this, but what can you do? At least she can do some socializing! Well, actually, no she can't. Nate's bitchy ice-mom came by to say sorry Lils, but the Pink Party has moved to another location because you're a shitty criminal who everyone hates now. Oh well. So Lily began the seppuku process, so ashamed was she to be a social pariah. Luckily Rufus and Erik intervened and said "No, no, Lily. Put down the ceremonial dagger and listen to us. We'll get the party back on track. Don't you worry." So the two of them skipped off into the city to see what they could do. And somehow they did it! Somehow they convinced all those frigid white bitches to agree to come to Lily's house, so the party was back on. No one knows how Rufus and Erik pulled it off, but boy were their jaws tired. So everyone dolled themselves up in pink and headed over to van der Woodsen manor and the party began. All the society ladies were hissing mean things about Lily, which made her sad and she poured a little more ether into her champagne. Dan was talking to Charlie and they were having a nice jokey conversation until Blair stomped up and dragged Dan away, making Charlie suspicious. So she followed them with her camera phone and took a long, lingering video of their staged kiss. Meanwhile the weird vizier guy saw them kiss and nodded his head contentedly. Is that what royal advisers do? Just walk around parties watching college students kiss and accept it is gospel proof of something? I really hope that's what royal advisers are doing, checking off various kisses on their little clipboards. So the plan half worked! They convinced the royal attendant that nothing was happening between the Prince and Blair, but unfortunately Charlie ran to Serena and was like "Look, look, they're smooooching!" Serena got really upset and told the Prince that he'd been played, that Dan and Blair had been secretly hanging out for ages, and the Prince was like "I'm sorry, what the fuck are you talking about? I just got here from Europe this morning. I'm tired and am looking for my date. What are you even talking about? What are any of you ever talking about? Why do you live your lives like they're all ruled by some imaginary set of social strictures that in no way actually exists? You people are so exhausting to be around. Just go away. Just go the fuck away and calm down." Well, that's what I wished he said. Instead he just blinked his eyes and said "...Europe..?" Strong words from a strong prince. Serena and Blair fought and Blair was all "You always want to be the center of attention, you're such a mean bitch," and Serena was like "Whatever, I'm done with you and Dan," even though Dan and Blair kept insisting that they're just friends. Oh well, sigh. Blair ran after the Prince and Serena, strangely, called up the Prince's driver, who she met in Paris, and that made little to no sense. Then Lily decided to clear the party by leaving the apartment and thus alerting the police, and that was dumb. She and Rufus then decided they'd just be weird homebodies for the next several months and that was that. Dan went back to the loft and then there was a knock knock on the door and there was Charlie! She was apologizing for taking the video or something so Dan told her to come in. They had a sorta flirty conversation about various things and Dan admitted that he kind of has a serious boner for Blair and Charlie nodded and smiled and obviously she's going to become obsessed with him and everything will go crazy. She also told Dan that Vanessa was the one to initially tip off Serena, and that pissed Dan off because he'd been trying to reconcile with Vanessa. As if summoned by magic, Vanessa then appeared at the loft door and Dan was like "We both like pierogies and my dad has a crush on you, but we're not friends. Sorry." Oooh, burn. The old pierogi brush-off. Harsh words from a harsh Dan. Then the episode was basically over? Oh god, there's a whole nonsense plotline with Raina and her mom, who Chuck's dad burnt down many years ago, and Nate is helping to investigate the mystery and good lord could anyone care any less? Is there any way in the world a single person could care any less about this epically boring subplot? I really don't think there is. I think it's about as boring as it could possibly be. The most interesting thing about it is how unbelievably boring it is. So that's that. Blair still has a chance with the Prince, she hopes. Serena is mad at everyone because she feels ignored, so she's calling up her old European chauffeur friend. Lily and Rufus are having a private pink party, the real kind of pink party, in their bedroom. Vanessa is drawing sad pictographs on the walls of her cave, leaving record of herself, proving to future scientists that she does, in fact, exist. Chuck and Nate and Raina are all going "ZzzZZzzzzz" because even they are so bored. Dan and Charlie are about to hump themselves into another dimension, because what the hell. Dan has always liked fucking people named Charlie. It's just a thing Dan likes. And Erik, of course lonely Erik, he's back at Lily's glass mansion, cleaning up all the Pink Party rubble. Champagne flutes and confetti, napkins and paper plates, bottles and cigarettes. All the artifacts everyone left behind when they fixed their hungry eyes on the horizon and set off into the night. Gossip Girl: Princesses On Parade Richard Lawson — Last night's episode of Uptown Abbey featured a party, like always, some intrigue, like always, and lotsss of really bad fake Monacan accents. Or French accents? It was unclear. But yes, let's talk about it! OMG where to fucking begin. Blair. Blaironca. Blonks. She's getting married! Yes the episode started in the future and she was wearing a huge tacky hunk of canary diamond costume jewelry and she was calling her mom, who's currently on stage in Arcadia, and she said "Moms, I'm getting hitched, time to bust out my hope chest." Whaaaaat? Who was Blinkers marrying? Only a trip back in time would tell. The clock rewound and we were in the Five Points neighborhood and the year was 1886. Then the clock realized it had gone too far and it wound back up to just a day before Blair called her mother. Blair was very excited about the prince, because she loves the prince and they are spending lots of sexy time together, giggling and cooing at each other about museums. Mmhm. Just a thing that young couples do. "I do so love the Frick!" "I'll frick you." "I prefer the Guggenheim Bilbao!" "I'll guggen your heim with my bilbao." Etc forever. It's just very sexy and fun. So basically Blair is in prince-time heaven, all squishes and smiles, and nothing can ruin it. Sadly for Blair, just such a nothing, a tall blonde nothing, is plotting against her. Yes, for the sole reason that the writers have never been able to make Serena's character remotely consistent or believable, Serena is doing nefarious things to tear princey and Blair asunder. Namely, she called the prince's mom to tell her that her precious little dog of a son was museeing all over some American girl's dorsay. Naturally this terrified mama and she hopped the last Concorde and zoomed across the Atlantic to go clean this shit up. She was going to clean this merde up and clean it up good. French bitch, coming through. Watch out world. Blair, of course, was oblivious. Oblivious until she suddenly heard "Hymne Monégasque" blaring and the prince's Monacan mama kicked the door down and said "Where is sheeee??" Uh oh. Not good. Blair ran and hid but it was too late. The old crone grabbed her by the hair and pulled her up and spat in her face. She then turned to the prince, cowering and pissing in a corner, and said "OK, buster brown, enough fucking your painted whores [thanks, Game of Thrones]. It's time you got married." Nooooo! But, unfortunately, yes. The prince would be forced to marry. And who would his wife be? Well, his mother decided to have a party, in New York for some stupid reason, with ten eligible princesses. And Blair would not be one of those princesses. Well, not at first. She finally wore the queen (or whatever her title was) down and she was allowed to go. Fancy French fuck Louis bought her a sparkly bird dress to wear for the occasion and everyone swooned. "I love it when straight men buy me dresses!" - women unwittingly married to gay men everywhere. So. Everything's perfect, right? Or about to be perfect? Wrong. There is, of course, the surly matter of Chuck. Chuck is upset because he loves Blair and because Tika Sumpter is looking into her mom's past and will of course find out that she was burnt down by Chuck's dad. Chuck is also upset because apparently his house is sinking. Yup, just sinking like the Titantitic. Ha. Poor Andrew McCarthy directed this week's episode and he thought that a good way to show Chuck's descent into Lovecraftian madness was to just tilt the camera to the side. You know who employs that technique? Directors of really cheap vampire movies. Andrew, don't be a really cheap vampire movie. Straighten that camera, son. Just straighten it up. It was really sad. And silly! But yeah, Chuck's in his slanting mansion of misery and getting drunker and drunker and not even Nate can cheer him up with one of his patented Nate Twink-Flop™ dances, so all is lost. Chuck had heard that the prince was moca-ing all over Blair's masses and he was determined to stop it. So he decided to get dressed up in a suit and get plastered and go on over to the big princess party. At the fete there were princesses from all over, from Thailand to Tipperary, but of course Louis only had eyes for the one from Tudor City. (Well, north of.) Chuck stumbled in, reeking of brown liquors, and sauntered up to Blair. He was all "You don't love the prince. You love me, Chuckles Bass." Then the prince's mom came over and was like "Sacre fuck, this kid's sauced! Gendarmes!" (Ha, actually she said "sécurité!" and it was funny because why not just say "security!" being that you're in America and everything and it sounds basically the same. Silly foreigner.) So yeah, Blair was so fucking embarrassed and ran away home to cry and sulk. But then the prince came over and proposed and yayyyyyyyyy!!! Everything was grand (grandes) and wonderful. So Blair decided to ruin it by going to talk to Chuck. Huhh? Why Blair, why? You stupid. And then Chuck got all scary and physically aggressive and he scratched her face and she yelped and Nate came running in dressed like a geisha with a string of beads hanging out of his butt and was like "What, I was just doing homework, what's wrong?" But Blair just ran off into the night, glad that she had a prince to marry and not this drunken poltroon. So that was the prince story this week. Other stories! Dan and Cousin Charlie have been spending a lot of chaste time together, lots of feeling up over the underpants and rubbing up against couch arms together and stuff. No, I'm kidding. They're going to coffee shops and Dan took her to one of his classes, because again, that's what kids do when they're in love these days. "Want to come to my Talking About Museums seminar?" "I thought you'd never ask." Dan's dad, Ruf the Goof, warned him that maybe Chaz is into it for a little more than friends and Dan was like "Whaa? No, come on. I've only worn my most chest hair-revealing henleys around her.... Oh wait, those are ladybait! I gotta talk to her about this." So he did talk to her and she was like "What? Silly bean, no. We're just friends." Dan's boner died and that was that. Well, no, of course it wasn't. See, Vanessa was lurking nearby and overheard everything and for some insane reason decided to help Charlie out in getting closer to Dan. She said to help him with his family stuff, namely Ruf the Goof was having a big music dinner for work (whatever happened to the gallery? Did that get sold or something?) and he needed food, so Charlie was like "Oh, I'll offer to cook something simple, like pizzapie." Music dudes love pizzapie! So that's what she did, she went up to Rufus and Dan, who were busy playing their favorite father-son game Rub-a-Dub (don't ask), and said "Pizzapie?" Rufus and Dan nodded their heads and shook their non-Rub-a-Dubbing hands and said "Pizzapie." Pizzapie it was! Until it wasn't. The big music meeting day arrived (it was at the Brooklyn loft, because that's what cool music people like) and when Rufus and Dan showed up, panting and sweaty, Charlie was there with this whole elaborate set up and the guys from Per Se were catering. (I do not think that is a thing, that the guys from Per Se would come over to your Brooklyn crashpad and just whip up a party meal for you.) What?? Per Se? Candles? What the lofty fuck is going on in this fucking loft? "I thought you were making pizzapie," Dan asked. This was way too fancy for rock 'n' roll people. They would hate this! Charlie said "Oh, I've screwed everything up!" and ran away crying and Rufus called the music people and was like "Can't do it man, sorry, something came up, gotta bail, man, gotta bust, rock talk, I'm doing rock talk, right? I'm still relevant. Love me." Which, OK, so maybe the catered Per Se meal wasn't ideal for a bunch of indie rockers, but like, who the fuck is going to turn down free Per Se food? I say you should have still had your rock meeting, Rufus. I guess it's too late now. Oh well. Just throw all that garbage food out. Disgusting. Dan went after Charlie, following his boner like a divining rod, and it led him to van der Woodson castle. Charlie was crying and she said "I never should have listened to Vanessa. She was the one who told me to be fancy." Dan shook his head and said "Vanessa is a stupid cavewoman. And I love you. I pick you." Yeah, gross, Charlie and Dan are sort of getting together, and it's like... Dan, try not to fuck your ex-girlfriend's cousin maybe? Like maybe avoid doing that, you weirdo? You did, after all, just kiss her best friend. Tidy work there, friendo. Then Charlie went to see Vanessa and V was all "How'd it go?" and Charlie said "I told Dan you told me to make it fancy" and V said "I didn't tell you to do that!!" and Charlie smiled and narrowed her eyes and said "I know. But now Dan thinks you did and he's mine, alllll mine." She cackled and cackled and Vanessa pooped herself and this whole Charlie thing is not going to end well. Neither will this recap. Sorry. It's done! À bientôt!
   
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